In late December with the holiday crush already taking its toll, Jebaneezer Booge was hard at work keeping his bowling alley afloat during this time of relative inactivity. Everyone was too busy buying holiday gifts for one another to enjoy the simple pleasures of rolling a sixteen-pound ball down a lane and hitting ten pins. Booge became so wrapped up in his work, he assigned employee, Rob Snatchit, to work counter overtime without pay. A timid soul, Snatchit was too afraid to raise any sort of objection, so he calmly suggested to his boss that he needed to complete his holiday shopping.
"Excuse me, Mr. Booge" said Snatchit shyly, "but tis the eve of holiday morrow, and my family requires non-denominational gifts in order to celebrate the holiday season."
"Holidays?" scolded Booge, "Why would I become so wrapped in such a tolerant season of outpouring happiness. Leave this place. I don't expect you back till the monday after New Year's Day."
"Oh thank you, sir." cried Snatchit, as he pranced out the day with the greatest of glee.
"The holidays," said Booge, "Humbug!" Just then, every pin in lane one was knocked down with a great thud, even though no ball was rolled down that lane. Then every pin in every lane was knocked down with the sound of a strike. A ghost suddenly appeared from behind the counter, it was PBA Hall of Famer Dick Weber!
"Dick Weber!" cried Booge, "Well, it's an honor to see you."
"Please," said Dick, "I don't have time to accept your ass kissing. I've come here to warn you of three other ghosts of holiday past, present and future that will visit you during the night."
"Well that's just fantastic." Booge said sarcastically, "but why did these spirits send you?"
"They thought you'd trust an old, good-looking legend like me, but right now I gotta go" Weber said as he began to fade away.
"Well at least they got one thing right," said Booge.
"No, wait! What did they get right, how good-looking I was?" asked Weber as he dissolved into thin air.
That night, a fair mistress by the name of the ghost of holiday past visited Booge in his sleep.
"Well, c'mon," said the ghost, "I've got a lot of ungrateful souls to visit tonight." And with that, she grabbed his hand as they flew to a mystical land covered in black. They waited and waited, until Booge simply ran out of patience.
"What the hell are we doing here!" screamed Booge, "It's nothing but black!"
"Gee wiz, I didn't notice," said the glib ghost, "everyone's so preoccupied with generalizing the holidays that no one remembers holiday past. No one remembers that Jesus was born around the sprind solstice and that December 25th coinsided with a pagan holiday. No one remembers that Chanukkah celebrates the rededication of the Temple in 165 B.C. No one even considered that Kwanzaa is a reaffirmation for community and family for African-Americans. It's all lost in the 'holiday season'."
"Well it could be worse," suggesed Booge, "you could actually living in holiday present."
"Oh really?" said the ghost of holiday past. Almost immediately, the ghost caber-tossed Booge into the lair of the ghost of holiday present. A big and sorrowful man sat on his throne as Booge looked at him dumb-founded.
"Well, you look happy." said Booge.
"Ha, don't feel sorry for me," said the unhappy ghost, "feel sorry for your associate, Mr. Snatchit." Suddenly, they were transported to Rob Snatchit's home where Rob was just returning from shopping.
"How was the store, dear?" asked his wife, Shirley.
"Terrible," declared Rob, "I was looking for a menorah, but all they had were 'holiday themed' candle holders. This one was the best I could find. It doesn't even have candles, just little light bulbs that are supposed to save money insted of buying candles. It only has seven lights!"
"Spirit?" demanded Booge, "Tell me that this family will be able to celebrate Hanukka properly."
"Oh," warned the ghost holiday present, "I wouldn't be too sure." All of the sudden, the ghost of holiday present flung Booge in the presence of a reticent man wearing a black cloak, otherwise known as the ghost of holiday future. He pointed Booge in the direction of Rob Snatchit's home again. This time, Rob appeared much happier, but sinister as well. He didn't seem to be upset about the imperfect menorah, but much more delighted in the greed of the holiday season.
"Oh, am I glad we abandoned that Hanukkah crap," declared Rob, "We saved a bunch of money and got all the gifts wanted, too."
"Why, my goodness," said a saddened Jebaneezer, "please say that this is the only family to relinquish their heritage for personal gain." But they weren't the only family. Everyone had become so wrapped up in the general benefits of the holiday season that they forgot the meanings of every holiday that they were celebrating. But then, the ghost of holiday future pointed Booge in the direction of his old bowling alley, now decrepit and delapidated. The enjoyable recreation of bowling was, too, lost in the greed of the holiday season.
"Please spirit!" screamed Jebaneezer, "Please say this is the end of my holiday suffering!" The ghost then pointed to a bank statement lying on the ground, which belonged to Mr. Booge! the money in his bank account, it...it featured seven figures!
"No!!!" yelled Jebaneezer, "Please, anything but this!!!"
Booge awoke from his slumber screaming in great distress. He checked his calender immediately. It was still Christmas Eve! He ran to the door and outside, asking a boy if the holiday season had passed.
"You there, young man," Booge screamed, "the holiday season hasn't passed yet, has it?"
"No sir," said the young boy in a delightful little British accent, "why, it's only beginning."
"Oh thank you spirits, it hasn't passed," said Jebaneezer, "From now on, I will celebrate the past, present, and future of every holiday in this magical season."
And Jebaneezer Booge was as good as his word. He warned against the over-commercialization of Christmas, he emphasized the importance of the Jewish tradition of Hanukkah, and imformed everyone of the growing popularity of Kwanzaa. Never was there a better man, or a better season of holiday recognition.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
The Wonderful World of the College Application Process
Let's play a little game, shall we? I call it "The Wonderful World of the College Application Process", where we pit two prospective students against one another and decide which one deserves to go the better school. But first, let's choose some contestants. Hmm, what are some typical, non-discript names, umm, how about Greg and, umm, Lee for instance. Let's say both go to the same school, which is known for its academic prowess. Now to choose a university, anyone will do. Hmm, Brown University sounds an excellent institution of higher learning that would be looking for two outstanding students like Greg and Lee. Now, of course, a school can't accept students based on names alone. (although the name "Greg" does give the impression that he is an extremely smart and attractive young man) So we have to have to determine these students' eligability based on a series of admission factors. Here we go:
Obviously, Brown doesn't want a couple of slugs occupying their classrooms, so admission officiers must determine the success of these students throughout their high school career and the difficulty of the courses they take.
Grades and Rigorous nature of Courses:
Lee: Five AP courses (English, Calculus BC, Latin, Physics, US History)
GPA = 4.06
Member of the National Honor Society
Member of the Latin National Honor Society
Greg: Five AP courses (English, Calculus AB, French, Chemistry, US History)
GPA = 3.98
Member of the National Honor Society
Member of the French National Honor Society
Tough call since both go to the same school. I'm gonna have to give Lee the edge here with the higher level calculus course and the slightly better GPA. But at least Greg can speak a second language that actually exists.
Now, the college application process doesn't end at academics. Certain "other" factors exist to pursade universities into selecting different students.
"Other" Factors:
Lee: Described as Jewish, family is in highest fifth of annual income
Greg: Described as White, family is in highest fifth of annual income
Another difficult call. Lee might have the slight advantage of being described as Jewish, but little the schools know that he has all but renounced his faith in some odd, puberty-induced rejection of God. Sounds a little deceptive to me. However, not only is Greg white, but he happens to like rap music, which deserves a punch in the face every time he breaths. There are few things on this planet worse than a white kid from the suburbs liking hip-hop. But since both students have families with highest income of any other person on the planet, we're gonna have to call this one a push.
But no university wants to promote sloth on their campus, so participation in extra-curricular activities is another important factor as well.
Extra-Curricular Activities:
Lee: Works with about fifty other students on lighting for the school's theater productions (the school only puts on two plays a year), sits at home, watches porn
Greg: Four seasons of cross country, four seasons of indoor track, four seasons of outdoor track, frequent contributor to the school newspaper, co-founder and co-president of the Free Write Club, worked on service trips to Tijuana and Appalachia, frequents his church's youth group
Gee wiz, if college selection was based on this one factor it would be a blowout. But the competition remains close as we approach the end - oh wait, I forgot one little aspect to the application process.
SAT Scores:
Lee: 2400
Greg 1900
Now whose more likely to get into a good school?
Obviously, Brown doesn't want a couple of slugs occupying their classrooms, so admission officiers must determine the success of these students throughout their high school career and the difficulty of the courses they take.
Grades and Rigorous nature of Courses:
Lee: Five AP courses (English, Calculus BC, Latin, Physics, US History)
GPA = 4.06
Member of the National Honor Society
Member of the Latin National Honor Society
Greg: Five AP courses (English, Calculus AB, French, Chemistry, US History)
GPA = 3.98
Member of the National Honor Society
Member of the French National Honor Society
Tough call since both go to the same school. I'm gonna have to give Lee the edge here with the higher level calculus course and the slightly better GPA. But at least Greg can speak a second language that actually exists.
Now, the college application process doesn't end at academics. Certain "other" factors exist to pursade universities into selecting different students.
"Other" Factors:
Lee: Described as Jewish, family is in highest fifth of annual income
Greg: Described as White, family is in highest fifth of annual income
Another difficult call. Lee might have the slight advantage of being described as Jewish, but little the schools know that he has all but renounced his faith in some odd, puberty-induced rejection of God. Sounds a little deceptive to me. However, not only is Greg white, but he happens to like rap music, which deserves a punch in the face every time he breaths. There are few things on this planet worse than a white kid from the suburbs liking hip-hop. But since both students have families with highest income of any other person on the planet, we're gonna have to call this one a push.
But no university wants to promote sloth on their campus, so participation in extra-curricular activities is another important factor as well.
Extra-Curricular Activities:
Lee: Works with about fifty other students on lighting for the school's theater productions (the school only puts on two plays a year), sits at home, watches porn
Greg: Four seasons of cross country, four seasons of indoor track, four seasons of outdoor track, frequent contributor to the school newspaper, co-founder and co-president of the Free Write Club, worked on service trips to Tijuana and Appalachia, frequents his church's youth group
Gee wiz, if college selection was based on this one factor it would be a blowout. But the competition remains close as we approach the end - oh wait, I forgot one little aspect to the application process.
SAT Scores:
Lee: 2400
Greg 1900
Now whose more likely to get into a good school?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
What Are These People Running From?
Oh they're not. They're running to the worldest most toughest competition in town. It's MXC. MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION CHALLENGE.
If you have not yet seen this show, I implore to stop whatever it is you're doing right now and tune into Spike TV every Thursday night from 9 to 11 (Well, at least finish reading this first). This particular show is the best in brainless entertainment. If you ever have a splitting headache, MXC works much faster and far better than any other pain reliever on the market. I guarantee you will not need another thought for the next thirty minutes once an episode starts.
For the unprivledged who have not yet heard of this program, MXC shows clips from the Japanese show entitled "Takeshi's Castle" in which hundreds of contestants attempt to complete nearly impossible challenges like traversing ten giant toilet paper rolls that are at least ten feet in diameter. Even though these obstacles are absurbly difficult to finish, they are not dangerous by any means, ensuring that no one is hurt and that everyone can share in a guilt-free laugh. However, the relative difficulty of these challenges assures that these people will fail in an embarassing and hilarious fashion.
If the concept isn't enough to make your sides split, then the commentary on the show will. "Takeshi's Castle" features a whole host of characters that have been undignified and marginalized by the Americans to add to MXC's greatness. The voiceover actors create great foil characters in commentators Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship, who combine professionalism and immaturity to make some irreverant masturbation jokes. The show also includes safari-man Guy LeDouche, a crazed bisexual, and Captain Tenneal, whose commentary at the beginning of every episode reinforces my belief that the writing on this show is absolutely brilliant. If the writers for MXC do not win an Emmy every year from now on, my eyes will never view another television for as long as I live (Fat chance. I wonder what's less likely to happen: MXC winning an Emmy or me never watching TV again).
Of course, "smart" people out there will undoubtably criticize the show and its viewers for deriving entertainment out of people's humiliation. Guess what? The show is supposed to be funny. Why else would Japan call it a comedic game show. The contestants know that they will fail miserably in a futile attempt to complete these impossible challenges, so why not do it on the show that's aired across two countries. Actually, the fact that people humiliate themselves on this show shouldn't deter people from watching it. Everyone, from the show's creators to its participants, went through a great deal of trouble in both setting up these challenges and taking a risk by embarassingly competing in them, so we might as well reward their efforts by giving them the attention they deserve. Watching it would be the very least you could do.
If you have not yet seen this show, I implore to stop whatever it is you're doing right now and tune into Spike TV every Thursday night from 9 to 11 (Well, at least finish reading this first). This particular show is the best in brainless entertainment. If you ever have a splitting headache, MXC works much faster and far better than any other pain reliever on the market. I guarantee you will not need another thought for the next thirty minutes once an episode starts.
For the unprivledged who have not yet heard of this program, MXC shows clips from the Japanese show entitled "Takeshi's Castle" in which hundreds of contestants attempt to complete nearly impossible challenges like traversing ten giant toilet paper rolls that are at least ten feet in diameter. Even though these obstacles are absurbly difficult to finish, they are not dangerous by any means, ensuring that no one is hurt and that everyone can share in a guilt-free laugh. However, the relative difficulty of these challenges assures that these people will fail in an embarassing and hilarious fashion.
If the concept isn't enough to make your sides split, then the commentary on the show will. "Takeshi's Castle" features a whole host of characters that have been undignified and marginalized by the Americans to add to MXC's greatness. The voiceover actors create great foil characters in commentators Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship, who combine professionalism and immaturity to make some irreverant masturbation jokes. The show also includes safari-man Guy LeDouche, a crazed bisexual, and Captain Tenneal, whose commentary at the beginning of every episode reinforces my belief that the writing on this show is absolutely brilliant. If the writers for MXC do not win an Emmy every year from now on, my eyes will never view another television for as long as I live (Fat chance. I wonder what's less likely to happen: MXC winning an Emmy or me never watching TV again).
Of course, "smart" people out there will undoubtably criticize the show and its viewers for deriving entertainment out of people's humiliation. Guess what? The show is supposed to be funny. Why else would Japan call it a comedic game show. The contestants know that they will fail miserably in a futile attempt to complete these impossible challenges, so why not do it on the show that's aired across two countries. Actually, the fact that people humiliate themselves on this show shouldn't deter people from watching it. Everyone, from the show's creators to its participants, went through a great deal of trouble in both setting up these challenges and taking a risk by embarassingly competing in them, so we might as well reward their efforts by giving them the attention they deserve. Watching it would be the very least you could do.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
God FAQs
I'm beginning to question whether or not everyone in my school really wants to question Christianity or they're just being morons. Anyway, here's some simple questions that my simple-minded colleagues might ask with regards to God:
Please keep sending me questions about God, and hopefully I'll give you a satisfactory answer.
- If God is all powerful and loves us, why do bad things happen?
- Are all Christians these extreme, southern Republicans that I see on Fox News and the 700 Club?
- Do all Christians believe in Creationism?
Please keep sending me questions about God, and hopefully I'll give you a satisfactory answer.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
What's Claim to Fame/What's Claim to Lame II: Electric Boogaloo
I'm hoping to create my "what's claim to fame/what's claim to lame" list at least once a month. If I do it more than once a month, that means I'm out of ideas. Hey, can you think of anything better to do:
What's Claim to Fame
Cake: Delicious, covered in frosting, easy to listen to, need I say more. Cake is possibly the most rockin'est band outside of Chilli Peppers and Weezer, maybe even the most rockin'est thing outside of Nas. Anyone who disagrees with me or hates ska bands for that matter can suck my fat, hairy balls. Put people who have never heard Cake on the list of people to which I owe a punch in the teeth.
Joe Crede: Currently playing third base for the Chicago White Sox, this guy rocks hardcore, and probably had the best season of anyone in 2005. Earlier this season, he dropped a routine foul pop in the top of the ninth that enabled Manny Ramirez to hit perhaps the sexiest game winning homer I've ever seen. Then he went on the win the ALCS MVP, and all with the same cool, pimp-like style. Man, I wish I could play like that.
Jon's Legos: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't ask me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
What's Claim to Fame
Cake: Delicious, covered in frosting, easy to listen to, need I say more. Cake is possibly the most rockin'est band outside of Chilli Peppers and Weezer, maybe even the most rockin'est thing outside of Nas. Anyone who disagrees with me or hates ska bands for that matter can suck my fat, hairy balls. Put people who have never heard Cake on the list of people to which I owe a punch in the teeth.
Joe Crede: Currently playing third base for the Chicago White Sox, this guy rocks hardcore, and probably had the best season of anyone in 2005. Earlier this season, he dropped a routine foul pop in the top of the ninth that enabled Manny Ramirez to hit perhaps the sexiest game winning homer I've ever seen. Then he went on the win the ALCS MVP, and all with the same cool, pimp-like style. Man, I wish I could play like that.
Jon's Legos: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't ask me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
What's Claim to Lame
Syracuse Football: I hate ABC Channel 5's contractual obligation to showing Big East games on Saturday. Not because they have to show shitty Big East teams, but because they have to show Syracuse, the worst team in all of college football without question. Watching them against Cincinnati was like having my dick stepped on. I swear my high school's football team could beat them. Hell, they could beat them blindfolded. You suck hardcore, Syracuse.
Madonna: Anyone still listening to Madonna should be thrown in to a pile of poop for relief from such crappy music. I don't know how old Madonna is, but she's too old to still be making my ears bleed. She should be doing more important things, like raising her daughter to be as vapid and self-serving as she is. And she should dump that whole psudo-jewish crap. No wonder there's still anti-semitism in the world when selfish whores like Madonna drag it through the mud.
Jon's Spare Time: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't aks me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
Syracuse Football: I hate ABC Channel 5's contractual obligation to showing Big East games on Saturday. Not because they have to show shitty Big East teams, but because they have to show Syracuse, the worst team in all of college football without question. Watching them against Cincinnati was like having my dick stepped on. I swear my high school's football team could beat them. Hell, they could beat them blindfolded. You suck hardcore, Syracuse.
Madonna: Anyone still listening to Madonna should be thrown in to a pile of poop for relief from such crappy music. I don't know how old Madonna is, but she's too old to still be making my ears bleed. She should be doing more important things, like raising her daughter to be as vapid and self-serving as she is. And she should dump that whole psudo-jewish crap. No wonder there's still anti-semitism in the world when selfish whores like Madonna drag it through the mud.
Jon's Spare Time: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't aks me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Coming Out of the Closet
No, I'm not gay, so please grow up for about a minute and a half. However, I use that expression to describe what is probably the gayest thing I do on a regular basis.
When I mean gay, I don't use it literally, of course. But every Saturday night at 11:00, I tune into Cartoon Network to watch this latest (I hesitate to say "popular") Japanimation creation known as "Inuyasha". I'd like to think that I'm about 10% nerd, so why not watch a show that fills 120 to 130% of my geeky qualities. I can't explain the plot since I don't quite know what it is yet, but it involves some dude with cat ears and overwhelmingly gorgeous hair, a girl who never changes out of her jumper, a stupid cry-baby pussy who whines like he's always talking out his LiveJournal, and one extrordinarily hot woman who serves no other purpose other than to arouse my interest, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). She drags around a giant boomerang as big as the [never mind] I get [going to change the angle of this joke]. There's also a little cutie pie character that's about two inches tall and, surprisingly, doesn't get squished every episode. I'm still searching for his or her gender and purpose as well. But surely, the possibilities are endless with a group like this!
"Inuyasha" follows all the standard Japanimation cliches (which I aquired a great knowledge of from watching multiple episodes of Pokemon) by assuming its audience is composed entirely of lobodomy patients. Characters reiterate and overstate the obvious and repeat the name of the person they are addressing to ensure that even the two-month-olds are up to speed. Since it's Japanese and it's considered to be for "adults", there is a ton of meaningless violence. This enables the characters to yell out their every attack, or else they won't work, I suppose. Don't believe me? Just the other day I was trying to grab a cookie out of the cafeteria, but I couldn't nab it unless I yelled out "super awesome cookie grab". True story.
I hope I don't sound like I'm endorsing this show because I wouldn't suggest watching it. "Inuyasha" is what I refer to as "train wreck television" in which it is so disgustingly horrible that you mustn't look but can't turn away. Jerry Springer and every other daily talk show host has perfected this, and it appears that the rest of television is following suit. My suggestion, keep it on ESPN, or gouge your eyes out. Either one.
When I mean gay, I don't use it literally, of course. But every Saturday night at 11:00, I tune into Cartoon Network to watch this latest (I hesitate to say "popular") Japanimation creation known as "Inuyasha". I'd like to think that I'm about 10% nerd, so why not watch a show that fills 120 to 130% of my geeky qualities. I can't explain the plot since I don't quite know what it is yet, but it involves some dude with cat ears and overwhelmingly gorgeous hair, a girl who never changes out of her jumper, a stupid cry-baby pussy who whines like he's always talking out his LiveJournal, and one extrordinarily hot woman who serves no other purpose other than to arouse my interest, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). She drags around a giant boomerang as big as the [never mind] I get [going to change the angle of this joke]. There's also a little cutie pie character that's about two inches tall and, surprisingly, doesn't get squished every episode. I'm still searching for his or her gender and purpose as well. But surely, the possibilities are endless with a group like this!
"Inuyasha" follows all the standard Japanimation cliches (which I aquired a great knowledge of from watching multiple episodes of Pokemon) by assuming its audience is composed entirely of lobodomy patients. Characters reiterate and overstate the obvious and repeat the name of the person they are addressing to ensure that even the two-month-olds are up to speed. Since it's Japanese and it's considered to be for "adults", there is a ton of meaningless violence. This enables the characters to yell out their every attack, or else they won't work, I suppose. Don't believe me? Just the other day I was trying to grab a cookie out of the cafeteria, but I couldn't nab it unless I yelled out "super awesome cookie grab". True story.
I hope I don't sound like I'm endorsing this show because I wouldn't suggest watching it. "Inuyasha" is what I refer to as "train wreck television" in which it is so disgustingly horrible that you mustn't look but can't turn away. Jerry Springer and every other daily talk show host has perfected this, and it appears that the rest of television is following suit. My suggestion, keep it on ESPN, or gouge your eyes out. Either one.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
A Tribute to The Ultimate Bummer Song
Every so often, a song graces our ears that puts even musical genius to shame. A song that is so versitile, it can be used in times of both celebration and sorrow. Unfortunately, most people choose the latter, but that still does not detract from its greatness. Of course, I speak of Jeff Buckley's incomparable classic entitled "Hallelujah".
Okay, so technically the song does not belong to Jeff Buckley. It was written by Leonard Cohen, who I imagine smoked his share of hemp considering the song's lyrics are practically unintelligible. But that's beyond the point. The song's seven minutes of auditory glory have been featured in the following movies and television shows:
I alluded to the song's versitility in film and T.V. earlier, but its usefulness doesn't stop there. The guitar tabs for the song are easy to attain and easy to play, so next time your on the beach or at a camp fire with your acoustic guitar, put out "Hallelujah" and you'll be showing chicks your Oh! face in no time. Ohhh! Ohhh! You guys know what I'm talkin' about.
But remember when you're nailing chicks, the song is even more advantageous. After all:
Maybe there is a god above,
But all I've ever learned from love,
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya...
But it's not cry that you hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...
Forget it. I can't sing the rest of the song. I wouldn't be doing it justice. Just buy it, download it, steal it from some old person, whatever. You simply owe it to yourself.
Okay, so technically the song does not belong to Jeff Buckley. It was written by Leonard Cohen, who I imagine smoked his share of hemp considering the song's lyrics are practically unintelligible. But that's beyond the point. The song's seven minutes of auditory glory have been featured in the following movies and television shows:
- Shrek
- Lord of War
- Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
- Without a Trace
- Vanilla Sky
- Sleepover (1995)
- When Night is Falling
- The Dead Zone
- The West Wing
I alluded to the song's versitility in film and T.V. earlier, but its usefulness doesn't stop there. The guitar tabs for the song are easy to attain and easy to play, so next time your on the beach or at a camp fire with your acoustic guitar, put out "Hallelujah" and you'll be showing chicks your Oh! face in no time. Ohhh! Ohhh! You guys know what I'm talkin' about.
But remember when you're nailing chicks, the song is even more advantageous. After all:
Maybe there is a god above,
But all I've ever learned from love,
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya...
But it's not cry that you hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...
Forget it. I can't sing the rest of the song. I wouldn't be doing it justice. Just buy it, download it, steal it from some old person, whatever. You simply owe it to yourself.
Friday, September 30, 2005
For Love or Money? I'm Gonna Have to go with the Money
I hesitate to write this post, since I watch an ungodly amount of television and no one will know what the hell I'm talking about. But for the sake of lowering my blood pressure, New Balance has a new ad campaign that asks all the pros out there, in case they've forgotten, "there are two motivations in sports, which is yours? For love or money?" Let me speak on the behalf of all professional athletes and say that they do in fact play for money. They don't have a choice, dipshits. That's what makes them professional athletes, they play to make money. But of course, the ad executives at New Balance are too damn stupid to realize this, so they'll live in an idealistic world where everyone will just play for the love of the game, or they're just pissed at the pros who choose not to endorse their products.
If that wasn't enough, the ads include empty-headed high school athletes acting tough because they supposedly play for the "love" (I wonder if love is the same as devotion, because love doesn't work in this context). Interestingly enough, all of these high schoolers in the commercials are white. Hmmm. Then they start parading around like little assholes telling professional athletes stuff like "this is what floor burn looks like" and "this is what a bunt looks like". Who better to tell us how to play to game then high schoolers? Next I suppose they'll be telling us how important their games are. Oh wait, they aren't. Easy for you to say, dickheads, your livelihood doesn't hinge on your ability to play since nobody gives a shit about high school sports. Let's see how much floor burn you have if your ability to play basketball depends on feeding your family.
But you know what, it doesn't matter. Advertisements are meant to sell products, but apparently that's not how New Balance rolls. Instead, they attempt to lure impressionable idiots into buying their sneakers, thinking that will somehow be sticking it to all the pros out there and playing for the "love" of the game. Fortunately, I have a little more faith in humanity, and people will realize that New Balance shoes blow, regardless of whatever their ads say. However, I still think that internal question, "for love or money" isn't directed towards just professional athletes, but general sports participants all over the world, like me. So if you ask me if I run cross-country or play hockey for love or money, I'm gonna have to say money. And chicks. I play for chicks.
If that wasn't enough, the ads include empty-headed high school athletes acting tough because they supposedly play for the "love" (I wonder if love is the same as devotion, because love doesn't work in this context). Interestingly enough, all of these high schoolers in the commercials are white. Hmmm. Then they start parading around like little assholes telling professional athletes stuff like "this is what floor burn looks like" and "this is what a bunt looks like". Who better to tell us how to play to game then high schoolers? Next I suppose they'll be telling us how important their games are. Oh wait, they aren't. Easy for you to say, dickheads, your livelihood doesn't hinge on your ability to play since nobody gives a shit about high school sports. Let's see how much floor burn you have if your ability to play basketball depends on feeding your family.
But you know what, it doesn't matter. Advertisements are meant to sell products, but apparently that's not how New Balance rolls. Instead, they attempt to lure impressionable idiots into buying their sneakers, thinking that will somehow be sticking it to all the pros out there and playing for the "love" of the game. Fortunately, I have a little more faith in humanity, and people will realize that New Balance shoes blow, regardless of whatever their ads say. However, I still think that internal question, "for love or money" isn't directed towards just professional athletes, but general sports participants all over the world, like me. So if you ask me if I run cross-country or play hockey for love or money, I'm gonna have to say money. And chicks. I play for chicks.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
What's Claim to Fame/What's Claim to Lame
I'm sick of those stupid "What's hot and What's not" lists. So I've decided to compose my own list that will give you the real scoop, cookie dough favored.
What's Claim to Fame
J.J. Hardy: Early in the season, I threw this guy under the bus. Not only did I throw him under the bus, I drove it forwards and backwards over him several times. However, in the last week, he's been so good, it's stupid. This week alone, Hardy has batted 13 for 33, raising his average about 50 points, with three home runs and 13 RBIs, both doubling his season's totals. Perfect. I anticipate seeing an infield consisting of Prince Fielder, Rickey Weeks, Bill Hall and Hardy showing off World Series rings in a year or two
Mr. David Malaro: Although I haven't seen it, I already know that the movie "The Man" is the latest turd to hit movie theaters this week. Not only does it look shitty, but they miscast Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy as "the man". The movie should've starred Mr. Malaro, my Ethics class teacher. Ironically enough, serving in Vietnam was the best thing that happened to him. His service in the military ultimate forced him to answer the moral questions that everyone faces, and now he wants to impart his knowledge to students like me without any political slant. Thank you, Mr. Malaro. You rock hardcore.
Notre Dame Football: I've been an avid fan of college football since 2001, but I've never had one single team to focus my fanaticism. But once the University of Notre Dame hired former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, I discovered that I desperately wanted the Fighting Irish to do well. Not only because Weis rocks hardcore, but because the poor players are expected to maintain difficult academic standards while win potentially the most gratifying national championship in the history of college football. How the hell do the boosters expect to this team to win a championship with that schedule? Ever notice how every player on a national championship team has majored in football and minored in speech communication (probably used to speak to the press better)? I'm not saying that stadegy helps, but it doesn't hurt either.
J.J. Hardy: Early in the season, I threw this guy under the bus. Not only did I throw him under the bus, I drove it forwards and backwards over him several times. However, in the last week, he's been so good, it's stupid. This week alone, Hardy has batted 13 for 33, raising his average about 50 points, with three home runs and 13 RBIs, both doubling his season's totals. Perfect. I anticipate seeing an infield consisting of Prince Fielder, Rickey Weeks, Bill Hall and Hardy showing off World Series rings in a year or two
Mr. David Malaro: Although I haven't seen it, I already know that the movie "The Man" is the latest turd to hit movie theaters this week. Not only does it look shitty, but they miscast Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy as "the man". The movie should've starred Mr. Malaro, my Ethics class teacher. Ironically enough, serving in Vietnam was the best thing that happened to him. His service in the military ultimate forced him to answer the moral questions that everyone faces, and now he wants to impart his knowledge to students like me without any political slant. Thank you, Mr. Malaro. You rock hardcore.
Notre Dame Football: I've been an avid fan of college football since 2001, but I've never had one single team to focus my fanaticism. But once the University of Notre Dame hired former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, I discovered that I desperately wanted the Fighting Irish to do well. Not only because Weis rocks hardcore, but because the poor players are expected to maintain difficult academic standards while win potentially the most gratifying national championship in the history of college football. How the hell do the boosters expect to this team to win a championship with that schedule? Ever notice how every player on a national championship team has majored in football and minored in speech communication (probably used to speak to the press better)? I'm not saying that stadegy helps, but it doesn't hurt either.
What's Claim to Lame
Pilot Sunglasses: Every so often, a fashionable accessory is worn by a person in an effort to say that he or she is a condescending prick. Pilot sunglasses fill that void nicely. Not only are these sunglass worn by dicks, but they are permeantly attached to their face, even indoors. Nice job, asshole, ruin your eyesight, at least you'll look cool. It's been almost twenty years since that nuclear turd of a movie "Top Gun" was released, and the shades remain unpopular. Only pilots should be allowed to where those sunglasses, and I don't see you in a uniform, douche bag.
Social Justice: It's not that I care about people experiencing social injustice because I do. But what I didn't know is that the United States government was to blame for every atrocity in the history of the world. The Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict all spread blood across the hands of the United States. I blame my school for ruining the concept of social justice. The course taught me nothing, but to hate America and commit suicide as quickly as possible. Rather than look deeper into the causes of social justice or to examine ways to prevent it, we just observed ways the United States has prepetuated issues of social justice. Thank You, Mr. teacher who shall remain nameless.
Green Day: I recently came to the revelation that the band Green Day is not actually punk. No, in fact, Green Day is stupid. When I listen to music, I expect it to rock. But no, Green Day would rather prattle on about how they hate the war and President Bush. My favorite is their recent hit "American Idiot". In this particular song, they whine that the media manipulates the masses. Gee wiz, I didn't know Green Day was playing in another form of media and that they weren't manipulating impressionably idiotic fans who take their every word as gospel. Now I understand perfectly.
Pilot Sunglasses: Every so often, a fashionable accessory is worn by a person in an effort to say that he or she is a condescending prick. Pilot sunglasses fill that void nicely. Not only are these sunglass worn by dicks, but they are permeantly attached to their face, even indoors. Nice job, asshole, ruin your eyesight, at least you'll look cool. It's been almost twenty years since that nuclear turd of a movie "Top Gun" was released, and the shades remain unpopular. Only pilots should be allowed to where those sunglasses, and I don't see you in a uniform, douche bag.
Social Justice: It's not that I care about people experiencing social injustice because I do. But what I didn't know is that the United States government was to blame for every atrocity in the history of the world. The Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict all spread blood across the hands of the United States. I blame my school for ruining the concept of social justice. The course taught me nothing, but to hate America and commit suicide as quickly as possible. Rather than look deeper into the causes of social justice or to examine ways to prevent it, we just observed ways the United States has prepetuated issues of social justice. Thank You, Mr. teacher who shall remain nameless.
Green Day: I recently came to the revelation that the band Green Day is not actually punk. No, in fact, Green Day is stupid. When I listen to music, I expect it to rock. But no, Green Day would rather prattle on about how they hate the war and President Bush. My favorite is their recent hit "American Idiot". In this particular song, they whine that the media manipulates the masses. Gee wiz, I didn't know Green Day was playing in another form of media and that they weren't manipulating impressionably idiotic fans who take their every word as gospel. Now I understand perfectly.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Catch All the Action in Major League Politics
Although many sports enthusists around the world will declare this fall the best time for sports this year with pennant races in Major League Baseball, the beginning of a new football season both in college and the NFL, and the return of the NHL to the ice (Okay, only I'm looking foward to that), none of these events will even light a candle to the action that will unfold this season in Major League Politics. But politics are not divided into seasons, the stupidity lasts all year round. I cannot wait for the constant battle between the repugnant Republicans and the dense Democrats to spread bullheaded banter across the land.
Since political affiliation has become so polarized in recent years, my readers will probably wonder which party I familiarize with. Please, allow me to ellaborate on this subject with a typical conflict between these two political parties by diving into the specifics. I will monitor the score as we go along. Let's begin:
1. Sports Comparision
What professional sports team do associate these two parties with? Sticking with baseball, I consider the Republicans to be...the New York Yankees, big blowhards how dominate the all discussion and arrogantly sit atop the plateau (I can hear Democrats screaming victory already). However, I associate the Democrats with...the New York Mets, inept losers who manage to lose no matter what the circumstance. Since both teams are from New York, they both blow. I award both teams zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: 0
Democrats: 0
2. Candidates
For this topic, I will examine the best possible candidates that both parties have to offer. Since both would want their best candidates act as commander in chief, let's look at the most recent presidential election between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. What can say about our current president that hasn't already been said? The economy hasn't gotten any better, only gas prices and the national deficit have increased, and our army is stuck in a pointless war because they are supposedly "getting the job done". What that job is, I have no idea, but all of Bush's detractors fail to explain why they criticize him. I stand here criticizing Bush because I believe that I could do a better job as president. Hell, a dog that eats its own poop could do a better job than our incumbent president. I subtract one point from the Republicans' score (and the Democrats go wild). Concerning John Kerry, I have four words, "Lambert Field" and "Manny Ortez". If this man is so incredibly out of touch with such a simple thing like sports, what chance does have to be in touch with something as complex as politics. However, his devotion to politics could be the reason why he has the same amount of sports knowledge as a 5-year-old. I award the Democrats zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: -1
Democrats: 0
3. Animals
My biggest beef with both of these parties is the animals they chose to represent them. Seriously, if you want an animal to represent your party, make it at least somewhat cool or tough. An elephant, c'mon. Choosing an animal that big is like driving a pimped-out Corolla. It compensates for a small penis. I subract six points for ever Republican who has an acorn in their pants. Choosing a donkey is like choosing a poodle over a golden retriever. Why don't you just upgrade to a horse. Donkeys are stupid and pointless. I subtract seven points.
Final Score:
Republicans: -7
Democrats: -7
I anticipate that hundreds of idealistic high schoolers out there will demand that I aline myself with their party based on issues. Well, that's why I chose not to associate myself with a political party. Unlike my Republican or Democratic friends who will support their party's candidate even if he or she is the next Hitler, I chose to vote based on issues. For example, (Disclaimer: any impressionable idiot who will cut off their reproductive organs for their political party are advised not to read the next sentence or else their heads might explode.) I am against abortion, but against the death penalty as well. Dear God, how can support two issues that cross party lines. I'll tell you how, because I'm 17-years-old and I can't vote, so I couldn't give a shit about politics. Please concern yourselves with other, more important things like homework and getting laid.
Since political affiliation has become so polarized in recent years, my readers will probably wonder which party I familiarize with. Please, allow me to ellaborate on this subject with a typical conflict between these two political parties by diving into the specifics. I will monitor the score as we go along. Let's begin:
1. Sports Comparision
What professional sports team do associate these two parties with? Sticking with baseball, I consider the Republicans to be...the New York Yankees, big blowhards how dominate the all discussion and arrogantly sit atop the plateau (I can hear Democrats screaming victory already). However, I associate the Democrats with...the New York Mets, inept losers who manage to lose no matter what the circumstance. Since both teams are from New York, they both blow. I award both teams zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: 0
Democrats: 0
2. Candidates
For this topic, I will examine the best possible candidates that both parties have to offer. Since both would want their best candidates act as commander in chief, let's look at the most recent presidential election between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. What can say about our current president that hasn't already been said? The economy hasn't gotten any better, only gas prices and the national deficit have increased, and our army is stuck in a pointless war because they are supposedly "getting the job done". What that job is, I have no idea, but all of Bush's detractors fail to explain why they criticize him. I stand here criticizing Bush because I believe that I could do a better job as president. Hell, a dog that eats its own poop could do a better job than our incumbent president. I subtract one point from the Republicans' score (and the Democrats go wild). Concerning John Kerry, I have four words, "Lambert Field" and "Manny Ortez". If this man is so incredibly out of touch with such a simple thing like sports, what chance does have to be in touch with something as complex as politics. However, his devotion to politics could be the reason why he has the same amount of sports knowledge as a 5-year-old. I award the Democrats zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: -1
Democrats: 0
3. Animals
My biggest beef with both of these parties is the animals they chose to represent them. Seriously, if you want an animal to represent your party, make it at least somewhat cool or tough. An elephant, c'mon. Choosing an animal that big is like driving a pimped-out Corolla. It compensates for a small penis. I subract six points for ever Republican who has an acorn in their pants. Choosing a donkey is like choosing a poodle over a golden retriever. Why don't you just upgrade to a horse. Donkeys are stupid and pointless. I subtract seven points.
Final Score:
Republicans: -7
Democrats: -7
I anticipate that hundreds of idealistic high schoolers out there will demand that I aline myself with their party based on issues. Well, that's why I chose not to associate myself with a political party. Unlike my Republican or Democratic friends who will support their party's candidate even if he or she is the next Hitler, I chose to vote based on issues. For example, (Disclaimer: any impressionable idiot who will cut off their reproductive organs for their political party are advised not to read the next sentence or else their heads might explode.) I am against abortion, but against the death penalty as well. Dear God, how can support two issues that cross party lines. I'll tell you how, because I'm 17-years-old and I can't vote, so I couldn't give a shit about politics. Please concern yourselves with other, more important things like homework and getting laid.
Monday, August 29, 2005
There's No Better Feeling Than Being Standard
I don't know about you, but I just love standardized testing. These tests put me the best of situations. I enter classes that only teach material that will be on the test. I have to pay a standard fee that will essentially be wasted if I don't receive an excellent score. But I don't mind, that money will go towards College Board so they can make more and more tests. My favorites are the advanced placement tests. I pay upwards of $50 to receive one of five scores, three of which represent mediocrity or inadequacy, so I like my chances.
In the spirit of standardized testing, I created an exam of my own in the form of my favorite section of the SATs, critical reading. What better way to determine a person's eligibility for college than an subjective, open-ended interpretation of some stupid passage that some 50-year-old wrote in his or her LiveJournal. Here we go:
Author Greg Mantell wrote this classic passage on his affection for the Milwaukee Brewers and his severe hatred of the New York Yankees, both teams currently playing in Major League Baseball.
1. What is the author's #1 reason for loving the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) Their Logo
B) Why Not?
C) Timeless Tradition
D) A Great Roster
Since the logo is the first item shown in the passage, the correct answer is (A). Although he specifically addresses (B), (C), and (D) in his piece, those answers would simply make too much sense.
2. Which player is the primary focus of the second paragraph?
A) Geoff Jenkins
B) Brady Clark
C) Carlos Lee
D) Russell Branyan
Since the author's favorite player on the Brewers' roster is Russell Branyan, the correct answer is (D). Of course this would require some prior knowledge of Branyan being Mr. Mantell's favorite player, a luxury that not everyone taking the test has. Oh well, I suggest taking the paying the fees and taking the test a few more times until you get it right.
3. What role do the New York Yankees play when compared to the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) A Foil
B) A Bad Team
C) A Crappy Team
D) An Evil Team
Since (B), (C), and (D) are virtually the same answer, and (A) makes the most sense, the correct answer is (C). Hey, if you struggle with interpreting passages the same way the test creators do, then buy every SAT aid book that College Board has to offer. Then pay the standard fee and take the test a few more times.
If you answered every question correctly, congratulations, you are standard. You do not have the creative capacity to accomplish anything other than a high score on these tests. Your mind does not work in any other imaginative form and you have a bright future of replacing robots on assembly lines. If you answered every question incorrectly, then you are inept. Thank you for taking this exam, and remember to place all of your money in the disposal bin labeled "To CollegeBoard.com". It would be just as helpful as actually taking the SATs.
In the spirit of standardized testing, I created an exam of my own in the form of my favorite section of the SATs, critical reading. What better way to determine a person's eligibility for college than an subjective, open-ended interpretation of some stupid passage that some 50-year-old wrote in his or her LiveJournal. Here we go:
Author Greg Mantell wrote this classic passage on his affection for the Milwaukee Brewers and his severe hatred of the New York Yankees, both teams currently playing in Major League Baseball.
1. What is the author's #1 reason for loving the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) Their Logo
B) Why Not?
C) Timeless Tradition
D) A Great Roster
Since the logo is the first item shown in the passage, the correct answer is (A). Although he specifically addresses (B), (C), and (D) in his piece, those answers would simply make too much sense.
2. Which player is the primary focus of the second paragraph?
A) Geoff Jenkins
B) Brady Clark
C) Carlos Lee
D) Russell Branyan
Since the author's favorite player on the Brewers' roster is Russell Branyan, the correct answer is (D). Of course this would require some prior knowledge of Branyan being Mr. Mantell's favorite player, a luxury that not everyone taking the test has. Oh well, I suggest taking the paying the fees and taking the test a few more times until you get it right.
3. What role do the New York Yankees play when compared to the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) A Foil
B) A Bad Team
C) A Crappy Team
D) An Evil Team
Since (B), (C), and (D) are virtually the same answer, and (A) makes the most sense, the correct answer is (C). Hey, if you struggle with interpreting passages the same way the test creators do, then buy every SAT aid book that College Board has to offer. Then pay the standard fee and take the test a few more times.
If you answered every question correctly, congratulations, you are standard. You do not have the creative capacity to accomplish anything other than a high score on these tests. Your mind does not work in any other imaginative form and you have a bright future of replacing robots on assembly lines. If you answered every question incorrectly, then you are inept. Thank you for taking this exam, and remember to place all of your money in the disposal bin labeled "To CollegeBoard.com". It would be just as helpful as actually taking the SATs.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Putting the "Dent" in "Independent" Music
I can no longer escape it. It has influtrated our most sacred institutions. The sidewalk, the subway, Panera Bread, even the radio is not immune to the headache-causing, vomit-inducing, mentally challenged offspring of music that is "independent music". I put its official title in quotation marks because it is not independent and barely qualifies as music. Since when did throwing around the label independent make everything so cool? "Oh, I'm independent. I'm my own man, woman, or crybaby. I'm not confined by any foreign influence when it comes to style or music. My music is free to be as boring and shitty as I want". The best things in life are far from independent, namely the Milwaukee Brewers. They achieve mediocrity through teamwork and a dependence on one another. They are a true team in every sense of the word, unlike the New York Yankees, who are a collection of money-driven dickheads. Even though they have a better record than my beloved team, I still consider the Yankees to be independent, because they blow.
I keep forgetting what makes this music so independent. Oh yeah, not a damn thing. Odd how every creator of this supposed independent music enjoys mutilating my eardrums with disgustingly repetative chord progressions on an old acoustic guitar that sounds as if it can't take much more of a beating. But if the guitar doesn't put you to sleep, the lyrics will. For some strange reason, every word must be terribly condescending and speak of how special the artist is or how painful their last breakup was (as if anyone cares). If that wasn't enough, these lyrics must be sung at the same speed of the singer's wit, unimaginably slow. They might as well write lyrics about how 2+2=5, they would be just as wrong. However, it's no surprise that this genre of music remains unattached to any record label. It's so damn crappy that no label would ever support it. Hell, it's so damn stupid, no genre will even claim it.
I happen to prefer music that requires more than one brain cell and testicle to write, such as hip-hop. Of course, readers will find me hypocritical for disparaging the arrogent lyrics found in independent music and praising the genre that features men bragging about all their money, cash, 'n hos. However, at least hip-hop artists have the balls to brag about those things in my face (sorry, up in my grill). When they rap, they always rap at 100%. They don't care if they're rapping to their entourage, a impressionable white kid, or a Republican Congressional Committee, they have the voice, intelligence, and audacity to make their music great, unlike the self-serving shitheads who make independent music. They would much rather sing in front of their pseudo-intellectual friends or on a sidewalk where passing people don't have the guts to say that their music sucks. Something must be done to stop my ears from bleeding. Since most independent musicians sing with eyes closed like pussies, I suggest replacing their guitars with bears holding WMDs. Wham! No more independent music. Hallelujah.
I keep forgetting what makes this music so independent. Oh yeah, not a damn thing. Odd how every creator of this supposed independent music enjoys mutilating my eardrums with disgustingly repetative chord progressions on an old acoustic guitar that sounds as if it can't take much more of a beating. But if the guitar doesn't put you to sleep, the lyrics will. For some strange reason, every word must be terribly condescending and speak of how special the artist is or how painful their last breakup was (as if anyone cares). If that wasn't enough, these lyrics must be sung at the same speed of the singer's wit, unimaginably slow. They might as well write lyrics about how 2+2=5, they would be just as wrong. However, it's no surprise that this genre of music remains unattached to any record label. It's so damn crappy that no label would ever support it. Hell, it's so damn stupid, no genre will even claim it.
I happen to prefer music that requires more than one brain cell and testicle to write, such as hip-hop. Of course, readers will find me hypocritical for disparaging the arrogent lyrics found in independent music and praising the genre that features men bragging about all their money, cash, 'n hos. However, at least hip-hop artists have the balls to brag about those things in my face (sorry, up in my grill). When they rap, they always rap at 100%. They don't care if they're rapping to their entourage, a impressionable white kid, or a Republican Congressional Committee, they have the voice, intelligence, and audacity to make their music great, unlike the self-serving shitheads who make independent music. They would much rather sing in front of their pseudo-intellectual friends or on a sidewalk where passing people don't have the guts to say that their music sucks. Something must be done to stop my ears from bleeding. Since most independent musicians sing with eyes closed like pussies, I suggest replacing their guitars with bears holding WMDs. Wham! No more independent music. Hallelujah.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Stop Population Control Immediately!
The thought of having population control in nations throughout Asia makes me want to vomit in disgust. I'm from the America, damnit, and I believe that life is always a right and not a priviledge, just like wealth and happiness. However, the moral ramifications of population control don't bother me as much as the possibility of not allowing young ladies to blossum into beautiful mature women. Let's all just concede right now that Asia houses the most gorgeous women in the world. Their beauty shines brighter than that of any other race of women because they are smarter, have more personality, and are not confined by the evil powers of fashion. Fashion blows. Not only does it hide the natural hotness of women behind 800 tons of makeup, but it also tricks stupid teenagers into buying flat-brimmed hip-hop hats, big, black and baggy gothic jeans, and stupid polo shirts. Trust me kids, those clothes will come in handy when you have a job mixing concrete. Fashion is to blame for the existence of Abercrombie and Finch. Fashion is to blame for sweat shop labor in third world countries. Fashion is evil, don't do it.
But back to lecture at hand. If you seek the hottest women in the world, look no further than these three. On the far right, Michelle Yeoh, who has a firm kung fu grip on all things beautiful (she was the Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies and the older, less atractive woman in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). At center, not only is Sandra Oh gorgeous, but she was born in Ottawa, so she's gots to love hockey (sick). And on the far left is Gish Jen, who takes a lot of liberties when it comes to attractiveness. I'll just let my audience gaze at their extrordinary beauty:
hot hotter hottest
Upon close examination of Gish Jen, many members of my audience will assume that I have poured an excessive amount of Windex into my eyes (The ones who don't are blind). However, Jen is on this list for one reason, she penned the novel Typical American (Note: I cannot underline, so excuse all book titles). Usually I won't talk about literature, because I'd rather do something less painful than reading like jump off a cliff. But this book was not as much reading as it was a sensual experience. I do not hesitate in saying that Jen's Typical American is the greatest piece of writing in the history of literature. What's my reasoning, you ask? This novel actually improves upon the Great American Novel. It is everything I wish The Great Gatsby could be. Where The Great Gatsby was boring and boobless, "Oh, look at Gatsby, isn't he great. Oh look, he died, isn't that terrible. Oh, look at Tom and Daisy, they're huge dicks. Let's relate all this to the Age of Exploration in North America", Jen's novel will knock you senseless, literally (get it, literally. Ah, never mind). While other authors don't have the balls to describe sexual intercourse and only imply it, (i.e. "They had some coffee and went to the bed. End of Chapter") Jen enhances the erotic experience with incredibly detailed description. I'm pretty sure that many members of my audience are reading this before they masturbate to porn in a few minutes. Please, do not bust that nut just yet. Reading Typical American is the intellectual alternative to pornography. At one point, I expected a door bell to ring, a delivery boy to be standing at the door, and a character asking "Did somebody order a pizza?". That would be followed by melodious porn music and a long session of three-way loving making. Read Gish Jen's Typical American immediately if not sooner.
But back to lecture at hand. If you seek the hottest women in the world, look no further than these three. On the far right, Michelle Yeoh, who has a firm kung fu grip on all things beautiful (she was the Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies and the older, less atractive woman in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). At center, not only is Sandra Oh gorgeous, but she was born in Ottawa, so she's gots to love hockey (sick). And on the far left is Gish Jen, who takes a lot of liberties when it comes to attractiveness. I'll just let my audience gaze at their extrordinary beauty:
hot hotter hottestMonday, August 15, 2005
Break the Bonds of Being an Enormous Pussy
He has completed one of the hardest tasks in sports over 700 times. In a historical perspective, his career statistics boarder on the absurd. He is blessed with perhaps the greatest combination of speed and strength in the history of baseball. When people read these descriptions, they envision a big, black baseball player wearing #25 and playing for the San Franscico Giants. However, that assumption is incorrect. The sentences above actually describe the world's biggest pussy.
The only other way to describe Barry Bonds, besides one of the greatest baseball players of all time, is as a giant, walking vagina. You could consider him a dick as well, considering he must occupy three lockers and a lazy boy chair in the clubhouse to accomidate his gigantic, concrete head (I believe he should have half the normal locker space to accomidate his tiny penis). Still, his audacity to actually whine about his supposed "struggles" confirms his status as a the world's largest steroid-filled pussy. He is not only blessed with unimaginable talent, but also the dedication to become one of the greatest atheletes of this era. Yet no one with an IQ lower than 10 can be given those gifts and still screw it up as badly as Bonds has.
Well, I guess some of the criticism that Bonds has faced has been unwarrented. After all, he said it himself, "Babe Ruth wasn't black, he didn't have to go through the same things I do". Absolutely, Ruth didn't have to endure the terrible pain of growing up in the pampered lifestyle of the Major Leagues with his father Bobby and his godfather Willie Mays. I'm sure he'd much rather have Ruth's childhood, spent in an impoverished orphanage and resorting to theft and robbery just to survive. But again, Bonds does not have the luxury of being white. That's why he will never play for the Red Sox because "[Boston] is too racist for me". Of course, Barry has never set foot in Boston, and I'm glad, because everyday when I commute into work, I pray that I don't hear something racist or hurtful towards African Americans. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that hasn't happened in 40 years. Although I will admit that I would have a hard time hitting a baseball while knowing that somewhere many miles away, someone hates Barry for the color of his skin. Or people hate him for being a brain-dead, hypocritical, steroid-filled dolt. Either one.
But in all seriousness, this man could be the king of Saudi Arabia with all of his ability and he would manage to complain. Most of his grievences are directed towards the media and their supposed attempts to hurt him. After all, what did Barry ever do the media, beside remain silent to reporters, not allow them to do their jobs, and destroy their livelihood. I don't see journalists on the field preventing Bonds from doing his job (Although I wish they would, to make the game a little more fair). Maybe if you just answered their questions like a professional, Barry, they would attempt to hurt you. But no, you still need to gripe while speaking at a 10-year-old's level about how the media makes the rehabilitation for your bum knee even harder. Oh boo hoo hoo.
I hope this season has shown Bonds that the entire universe does not revolve around his Jupiter-sized head. Baseball is still popular, and the front office has its big-name, steroid scapegoat in Rafael Palmeiro, so Barry doesn't have to sully his reputation an further. But Bonds will probably still take steroids next season despite the new regulations because he stated himself, "What is cheating". I'm starting to believe all the ignorance pleas from Bonds when it comes to steroids since he appears to have the mental capacity of a 5-year-old (Even kids in pre-school know what cheating is). So lets review for Barry because he's about 35 years behind the rest of us. Cheating is breaking the rules and perimeters of a game in order to give yourself an unfair advantage. I know that baseball did not have any limits on steroid use until now, but there is one unwritten rule that every baseball player follows no matter what age or ability level:
The only other way to describe Barry Bonds, besides one of the greatest baseball players of all time, is as a giant, walking vagina. You could consider him a dick as well, considering he must occupy three lockers and a lazy boy chair in the clubhouse to accomidate his gigantic, concrete head (I believe he should have half the normal locker space to accomidate his tiny penis). Still, his audacity to actually whine about his supposed "struggles" confirms his status as a the world's largest steroid-filled pussy. He is not only blessed with unimaginable talent, but also the dedication to become one of the greatest atheletes of this era. Yet no one with an IQ lower than 10 can be given those gifts and still screw it up as badly as Bonds has.
Well, I guess some of the criticism that Bonds has faced has been unwarrented. After all, he said it himself, "Babe Ruth wasn't black, he didn't have to go through the same things I do". Absolutely, Ruth didn't have to endure the terrible pain of growing up in the pampered lifestyle of the Major Leagues with his father Bobby and his godfather Willie Mays. I'm sure he'd much rather have Ruth's childhood, spent in an impoverished orphanage and resorting to theft and robbery just to survive. But again, Bonds does not have the luxury of being white. That's why he will never play for the Red Sox because "[Boston] is too racist for me". Of course, Barry has never set foot in Boston, and I'm glad, because everyday when I commute into work, I pray that I don't hear something racist or hurtful towards African Americans. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that hasn't happened in 40 years. Although I will admit that I would have a hard time hitting a baseball while knowing that somewhere many miles away, someone hates Barry for the color of his skin. Or people hate him for being a brain-dead, hypocritical, steroid-filled dolt. Either one.
But in all seriousness, this man could be the king of Saudi Arabia with all of his ability and he would manage to complain. Most of his grievences are directed towards the media and their supposed attempts to hurt him. After all, what did Barry ever do the media, beside remain silent to reporters, not allow them to do their jobs, and destroy their livelihood. I don't see journalists on the field preventing Bonds from doing his job (Although I wish they would, to make the game a little more fair). Maybe if you just answered their questions like a professional, Barry, they would attempt to hurt you. But no, you still need to gripe while speaking at a 10-year-old's level about how the media makes the rehabilitation for your bum knee even harder. Oh boo hoo hoo.
I hope this season has shown Bonds that the entire universe does not revolve around his Jupiter-sized head. Baseball is still popular, and the front office has its big-name, steroid scapegoat in Rafael Palmeiro, so Barry doesn't have to sully his reputation an further. But Bonds will probably still take steroids next season despite the new regulations because he stated himself, "What is cheating". I'm starting to believe all the ignorance pleas from Bonds when it comes to steroids since he appears to have the mental capacity of a 5-year-old (Even kids in pre-school know what cheating is). So lets review for Barry because he's about 35 years behind the rest of us. Cheating is breaking the rules and perimeters of a game in order to give yourself an unfair advantage. I know that baseball did not have any limits on steroid use until now, but there is one unwritten rule that every baseball player follows no matter what age or ability level:
- Do not embarass or disrespect the game of baseball
Thursday, August 11, 2005
If You Want One Reason to Love the Milwaukee Brewers, I Will Give You One Million
- Why Not?: If you are currently searching for a team in Major League Baseball to support, you will not find any team that is as cool or as classy as the Milwaukee Brewers (maybe the Red Sox). With a great roster, spectacular stadium, timeless tradition, and a manner of pathetic lovability that will strike your heart with deadly accuracy, the Brewers have the total package. But enough complimenting these generalizations, it's time to get into specifics.
- A Roster for Everyone: No matter who you are or who you claim to be, I guarantee you will find some form of application with at least one member of the Brewers' roster. Success should not be measured by the ability or talent of a team's roster, but by the number of diverse personalities that the team features. That is why the Brewers have the best roster in the Major Leagues. For example, if you identify yourself as a hard-working, blue collar man or woman, look no further then the Brewers two resident tough guys, Brady Clark and Geoff Jenkins. Everyday these two men will eat nails for breakfast, bring their hard hat and lunch pail to the ballpark, run themselves into the ground, produce results on the field, and do it all without receiving any fanfare. Hell, Jenkins will run through a wall to record an out. Anything that doesn't kill him will only make him stronger. A catcher with 50 pounds on him is blocking the plate? Geoff will still try to knock the eyeballs out of his head. That fastball is three feet off the plate? So what? He'll swing at it anyway. But the identity of the team does not only apply to the blue collared ones out there. If you slick, pimp, and always drop it like it's hot, then Bill Hall and Rickie Weeks are your men. If you're big and you don't shit from anyone, then look no further than "El Caballo" Carlos Lee. If your natural ability is hidden behind a goofy manner and a lack of coordination, then share your pain with Lyle Overbay. If you're from Australia, hey Trent Durrington is too.
- The Pimpin'est Stadium in the League: Seriously, gaze at Miller Park, and don't try to act unimpressed by its shear awesomeness. A retractable roof, great seats anywhere in the park, delicious food, bathrooms with the toilets that have the little sprinklers in them so you don't have to wipe, sausage races, need I say more. Anyone who says that Miller Park is not the best ballpark in the Bigs is lying. Try to name better stadium, and remember that Wrigley and Fenway are falling apart so they don't count. Umm, uhh, yeah that's what I thought.
- They are not the New York Yankees: Everynight in my prayers before I go to bed, I ask God why he allowed Satan to create and run a baseball team. Everything about the Yankees reeks of evil and homo-eroticism. I would presume that team with the most championships of any team professional sports would accomodate itself with a nice stadium in a nice neighborhood. But no, the shit hole that is Yankee Stadium is located in the trashiest section of the Bronx. Anyone who says that Yankee Stadium is the best ballpark in the league is either not yet ready to admit that Miller Park is the greatest structure ever erected, or does not have an IQ that reaches the double digits. Even though Yankee Stadium is the largest ballpark by capacity in the Major Leagues, George Steinbrenner still has the audacity to charge the same ticket prices as a stadiums with 20,000 less seats (check out the prices at Fenway if you're interested). The "Stadium" is made all the worse by the self-proclaimed "best fans in the world". Ironically enough, a team with such a winning pedigree has a fan base composed entirely of losers. How big of a loser must you be to associate yourself with such a winning team?
I could continue slurping the Brewers or disparaging the Yankees, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to do so. But I do have one million reasons to absolutely love the Milwaukee Brewers, trust me.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
See the Biggest Losers in the World! Live!
To whom ever created America Online's instant messaging, I must express my digust. Sure, many vapid people around the world will gladly give you thanks or oral sex for creating a new form of communication, but why must it be so impersonal? Talking on the phone is ten times easier and at least my friends can discern my sarcasm (which is much harder to express in words). Not only that, but I had to learn how to type at unbelievable speeds to keep up with my friends. I swear I have literally wasted one-tenth of my life "playing" those stupid word processing games (Damnit I hate Qwerty, that little shit). And the faces, why do we need those fucking faces? I noticed that every face shows some type of emotion, but why aren't any of the faces thoughtful or pensive? Probably because AIM users are never pensive or thoughtful.
But my biggest grievance with the AIM service is the profile. Although the profile does enable people to include some personalization into their AIM account, it also unleashes the unspeakable horror that is LiveJournal. If blogs are considered readers' hell, then LiveJournal is purgatory. Since the name makes absolutely no sense, so I have few suggestions to make a more apt title for such a service:
Many of the emo-loving douches on LiveJournal would love to consider themselves excellent writers, but I, a simpleton who likes to make fun of people from abroad, must reveal in the nicest way possible that their writing is shit. Again, I don't mean to be hurtful, but it's true, the writing on LiveJournal truly is terrible. Now I acknowledge the fact that I am not the greatest writer in the world, but I admit that will always be considered a better writer than the pretentious dickheads who use LiveJournal. Why you ask? Simply because I have an audience in mind. Remember, those are the people reading your writing, they're called an audience. I don't write for myself since I'm not that selfish, I just write to entertain my friends, and hopefully, some strangers as well. So, that's it. And please, I implore all LiveJournal users to stop posting their bullshit, stop by my site, share a laugh or two, then get a vasectomy. Thank you.
But my biggest grievance with the AIM service is the profile. Although the profile does enable people to include some personalization into their AIM account, it also unleashes the unspeakable horror that is LiveJournal. If blogs are considered readers' hell, then LiveJournal is purgatory. Since the name makes absolutely no sense, so I have few suggestions to make a more apt title for such a service:
- LiveDiary: You might as well call it diary since every user needs tampons
- The Quarry: It may seem deep and meaningful once you look into it, but once you dive in, you slam your head against a slab of marble that is as shallow as the person's thoughts
- Psudeo-intellectuals: typically wearing thickly framed glasses, listening to the fecal matter of sound that is emo music, and speak in the most condescending of tones because they vote Democrat (scratch that, most are too young to vote, but idealistic enough that they care for no reason).
- Suburbanite Crybabies: someone that will invent problems either because they don't get enough attention or they think the world revolves around them
Many of the emo-loving douches on LiveJournal would love to consider themselves excellent writers, but I, a simpleton who likes to make fun of people from abroad, must reveal in the nicest way possible that their writing is shit. Again, I don't mean to be hurtful, but it's true, the writing on LiveJournal truly is terrible. Now I acknowledge the fact that I am not the greatest writer in the world, but I admit that will always be considered a better writer than the pretentious dickheads who use LiveJournal. Why you ask? Simply because I have an audience in mind. Remember, those are the people reading your writing, they're called an audience. I don't write for myself since I'm not that selfish, I just write to entertain my friends, and hopefully, some strangers as well. So, that's it. And please, I implore all LiveJournal users to stop posting their bullshit, stop by my site, share a laugh or two, then get a vasectomy. Thank you.
The Next Big Thing
One morning, feeling especially cranky after a late night, I woke up and searched for the word "blog" on Google intending to disparage self-centered shitheads around the world who overestimate how much regular people care about their mundane lives by posting personal websites. These "bloggers" typically prattle on for pages and pages and pages on boring political topics and whatever else tickles their fancy, as if anyone gives a shit. Thank God these posts have comments, or else I would never be able to relay the truth to these dipshits that nobody cares. They usually offer an unrelated reply back claiming that "Oh, writing is just my hobby". Writing is not a hobby, anyone can write. Nobody calls breathing a hobby (Although I do wish breathing was a hobby, one that these people weren't interested in).
However, by curious querk of fate, I found a page that suggested I could create my own personal website. I suddenly began to think on a grander scale. Why just insult people personally by going from site to site when I could just make fun of people from one large source. In addition to that, I would no longer have to scour the entire world wide web in order to make myself feel better. Everything appeared to be turning up Greg.
Yet some idiotic (and impotent, I assume) people will believe that I am the world's greatest hypocrite for starting a blog after the assertion I made earlier. However, these people overlooked one incredible glaring difference. Most bloggers are self-serving turds that move blissfully and brainless through the world assuming that people care. The only difference with me is that I care. I care about entertaining the masses by belittling the people that have it coming to them. I am not toiling over a simple webpage for me, but rather, for others who seek guilty pleasures or a cheap laugh or two. If people expect me to generate laughs at other people's expense, then I will stand and deliver.
So my quest to attain popularity at the cost of others begins. As the great sports and humor writer Tony Kornheiser once said, "At the end of the day, sometimes I fear that I have not sufficiently entertained everyone". Well, here's to no more fear.
However, by curious querk of fate, I found a page that suggested I could create my own personal website. I suddenly began to think on a grander scale. Why just insult people personally by going from site to site when I could just make fun of people from one large source. In addition to that, I would no longer have to scour the entire world wide web in order to make myself feel better. Everything appeared to be turning up Greg.
Yet some idiotic (and impotent, I assume) people will believe that I am the world's greatest hypocrite for starting a blog after the assertion I made earlier. However, these people overlooked one incredible glaring difference. Most bloggers are self-serving turds that move blissfully and brainless through the world assuming that people care. The only difference with me is that I care. I care about entertaining the masses by belittling the people that have it coming to them. I am not toiling over a simple webpage for me, but rather, for others who seek guilty pleasures or a cheap laugh or two. If people expect me to generate laughs at other people's expense, then I will stand and deliver.
So my quest to attain popularity at the cost of others begins. As the great sports and humor writer Tony Kornheiser once said, "At the end of the day, sometimes I fear that I have not sufficiently entertained everyone". Well, here's to no more fear.
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