There's No Better Feeling Than Being Standard

I don't know about you, but I just love standardized testing. These tests put me the best of situations. I enter classes that only teach material that will be on the test. I have to pay a standard fee that will essentially be wasted if I don't receive an excellent score. But I don't mind, that money will go towards College Board so they can make more and more tests. My favorites are the advanced placement tests. I pay upwards of $50 to receive one of five scores, three of which represent mediocrity or inadequacy, so I like my chances.
In the spirit of standardized testing, I created an exam of my own in the form of my favorite section of the SATs, critical reading. What better way to determine a person's eligibility for college than an subjective, open-ended interpretation of some stupid passage that some 50-year-old wrote in his or her LiveJournal. Here we go:

Author Greg Mantell wrote this classic passage on his affection for the Milwaukee Brewers and his severe hatred of the New York Yankees, both teams currently playing in Major League Baseball.

1. What is the author's #1 reason for loving the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) Their Logo
B) Why Not?
C) Timeless Tradition
D) A Great Roster

Since the logo is the first item shown in the passage, the correct answer is (A). Although he specifically addresses (B), (C), and (D) in his piece, those answers would simply make too much sense.

2. Which player is the primary focus of the second paragraph?
A) Geoff Jenkins
B) Brady Clark
C) Carlos Lee
D) Russell Branyan

Since the author's favorite player on the Brewers' roster is Russell Branyan, the correct answer is (D). Of course this would require some prior knowledge of Branyan being Mr. Mantell's favorite player, a luxury that not everyone taking the test has. Oh well, I suggest taking the paying the fees and taking the test a few more times until you get it right.

3. What role do the New York Yankees play when compared to the Milwaukee Brewers?
A) A Foil
B) A Bad Team
C) A Crappy Team
D) An Evil Team

Since (B), (C), and (D) are virtually the same answer, and (A) makes the most sense, the correct answer is (C). Hey, if you struggle with interpreting passages the same way the test creators do, then buy every SAT aid book that College Board has to offer. Then pay the standard fee and take the test a few more times.

If you answered every question correctly, congratulations, you are standard. You do not have the creative capacity to accomplish anything other than a high score on these tests. Your mind does not work in any other imaginative form and you have a bright future of replacing robots on assembly lines. If you answered every question incorrectly, then you are inept. Thank you for taking this exam, and remember to place all of your money in the disposal bin labeled "To CollegeBoard.com". It would be just as helpful as actually taking the SATs.