Catch All the Action in Major League Politics

Although many sports enthusists around the world will declare this fall the best time for sports this year with pennant races in Major League Baseball, the beginning of a new football season both in college and the NFL, and the return of the NHL to the ice (Okay, only I'm looking foward to that), none of these events will even light a candle to the action that will unfold this season in Major League Politics. But politics are not divided into seasons, the stupidity lasts all year round. I cannot wait for the constant battle between the repugnant Republicans and the dense Democrats to spread bullheaded banter across the land.
Since political affiliation has become so polarized in recent years, my readers will probably wonder which party I familiarize with. Please, allow me to ellaborate on this subject with a typical conflict between these two political parties by diving into the specifics. I will monitor the score as we go along. Let's begin:

1. Sports Comparision
What professional sports team do associate these two parties with? Sticking with baseball, I consider the Republicans to be...the New York Yankees, big blowhards how dominate the all discussion and arrogantly sit atop the plateau (I can hear Democrats screaming victory already). However, I associate the Democrats with...the New York Mets, inept losers who manage to lose no matter what the circumstance. Since both teams are from New York, they both blow. I award both teams zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: 0
Democrats: 0

2. Candidates
For this topic, I will examine the best possible candidates that both parties have to offer. Since both would want their best candidates act as commander in chief, let's look at the most recent presidential election between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. What can say about our current president that hasn't already been said? The economy hasn't gotten any better, only gas prices and the national deficit have increased, and our army is stuck in a pointless war because they are supposedly "getting the job done". What that job is, I have no idea, but all of Bush's detractors fail to explain why they criticize him. I stand here criticizing Bush because I believe that I could do a better job as president. Hell, a dog that eats its own poop could do a better job than our incumbent president. I subtract one point from the Republicans' score (and the Democrats go wild). Concerning John Kerry, I have four words, "Lambert Field" and "Manny Ortez". If this man is so incredibly out of touch with such a simple thing like sports, what chance does have to be in touch with something as complex as politics. However, his devotion to politics could be the reason why he has the same amount of sports knowledge as a 5-year-old. I award the Democrats zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: -1
Democrats: 0

3. Animals
My biggest beef with both of these parties is the animals they chose to represent them. Seriously, if you want an animal to represent your party, make it at least somewhat cool or tough. An elephant, c'mon. Choosing an animal that big is like driving a pimped-out Corolla. It compensates for a small penis. I subract six points for ever Republican who has an acorn in their pants. Choosing a donkey is like choosing a poodle over a golden retriever. Why don't you just upgrade to a horse. Donkeys are stupid and pointless. I subtract seven points.
Final Score:
Republicans: -7
Democrats: -7

I anticipate that hundreds of idealistic high schoolers out there will demand that I aline myself with their party based on issues. Well, that's why I chose not to associate myself with a political party. Unlike my Republican or Democratic friends who will support their party's candidate even if he or she is the next Hitler, I chose to vote based on issues. For example, (Disclaimer: any impressionable idiot who will cut off their reproductive organs for their political party are advised not to read the next sentence or else their heads might explode.) I am against abortion, but against the death penalty as well. Dear God, how can support two issues that cross party lines. I'll tell you how, because I'm 17-years-old and I can't vote, so I couldn't give a shit about politics. Please concern yourselves with other, more important things like homework and getting laid.