Putting the "Dent" in "Independent" Music

I can no longer escape it. It has influtrated our most sacred institutions. The sidewalk, the subway, Panera Bread, even the radio is not immune to the headache-causing, vomit-inducing, mentally challenged offspring of music that is "independent music". I put its official title in quotation marks because it is not independent and barely qualifies as music. Since when did throwing around the label independent make everything so cool? "Oh, I'm independent. I'm my own man, woman, or crybaby. I'm not confined by any foreign influence when it comes to style or music. My music is free to be as boring and shitty as I want". The best things in life are far from independent, namely the Milwaukee Brewers. They achieve mediocrity through teamwork and a dependence on one another. They are a true team in every sense of the word, unlike the New York Yankees, who are a collection of money-driven dickheads. Even though they have a better record than my beloved team, I still consider the Yankees to be independent, because they blow.
I keep forgetting what makes this music so independent. Oh yeah, not a damn thing. Odd how every creator of this supposed independent music enjoys mutilating my eardrums with disgustingly repetative chord progressions on an old acoustic guitar that sounds as if it can't take much more of a beating. But if the guitar doesn't put you to sleep, the lyrics will. For some strange reason, every word must be terribly condescending and speak of how special the artist is or how painful their last breakup was (as if anyone cares). If that wasn't enough, these lyrics must be sung at the same speed of the singer's wit, unimaginably slow. They might as well write lyrics about how 2+2=5, they would be just as wrong. However, it's no surprise that this genre of music remains unattached to any record label. It's so damn crappy that no label would ever support it. Hell, it's so damn stupid, no genre will even claim it.
I happen to prefer music that requires more than one brain cell and testicle to write, such as hip-hop. Of course, readers will find me hypocritical for disparaging the arrogent lyrics found in independent music and praising the genre that features men bragging about all their money, cash, 'n hos. However, at least hip-hop artists have the balls to brag about those things in my face (sorry, up in my grill). When they rap, they always rap at 100%. They don't care if they're rapping to their entourage, a impressionable white kid, or a Republican Congressional Committee, they have the voice, intelligence, and audacity to make their music great, unlike the self-serving shitheads who make independent music. They would much rather sing in front of their pseudo-intellectual friends or on a sidewalk where passing people don't have the guts to say that their music sucks. Something must be done to stop my ears from bleeding. Since most independent musicians sing with eyes closed like pussies, I suggest replacing their guitars with bears holding WMDs. Wham! No more independent music. Hallelujah.