On Being Named Time's Person of the Year

All I can say is; it's about damn time.
Time Magazine's annual Person of the Year Award is usually given to the person, group, or thing that has defined the greatest number of lives throughout the year (how else do you explain George W. Bush winning this award three times). So imagine the agony Time must of felt when their candidates for this year's award included only members of the two stupidest groups of people on planet Earth; celebrities (who had either given birth or adopted a baby) and politicians (who were probably exposed for their perverted practices).
Fortunately for Time, I was there to warrant major consideration for this award, not because I graduated high school, passed my first semester of college, and wrote a feature-length screenplay all in the last twelve months, but because my website has contributed to the growth and perpetuation of the Information Age.
Now, I know what all five of you readers are thinking. How could the commentary on my simple little website define 2006? Well, allow me to refresh your memory.
Firstly, the world wide web enabled me to affect and change many of the people and events that defined 2006. For instance, who was able to set more trends than MTV this year? And after I ripped that bitch, Ann Coulter, a new one, guess who's book fell from #1 on the New York Times Best Sellers List? And guess which university's football team lost three straight games following my denouncement of Liberty University? And how has the state of Kansas been able to legislate the teaching of intelligent design even into the year 2007? As usual, you may not have noticed my greatness or how my website has affected these events throughout 2006, but thankfully, Time Magazine has.
Even though I would normally take the all the credit for this award, I credit the readers for helping me win. Without them, I would have to rely on my narcissism to keep this site going. Thank you, everyone. All five of you are the real winners this year. Although I've already posted Time's official Person of the Year cover, I created a cover especially for you. You deserve it, maybe not as much as I do, but still, enjoy it while I allow you to.

It's A Celebration!

It's snowing in Winston-Salem and it smells like oranges. It must be Christmas.
*Note: we were celebrating Wake Forest winning the ACC football championship and advancing to the Orange Bowl. If you couldn't tell from this picture, it was kind of unexpected.

MySeLf aNd My ArTwOrK: VisuAl GenIus aNd importAnt coMmENtary

Fourteen weeks ago, I was simple-minded fool (like yourselves) just out of high school, low on college credits, and high on stress. In my seemingly futile attempt to pick classes, I stumbled upon a course entitled Digital Art 114. I reminded my self-serving self that I would have to eventually take an art class anyway (because of this supposed "liberal arts" curriculum) and it did fulfill a film studies minor requirement (as if it could bring credit to my already incredible films), so I decided to take it. After fourteen weeks, I discovered that I am the greatest artist who ever lived.
Go ahead. Click on my profile, enter the exhibition, and gaze at the truly amazing work that I've brought to life. You may notice the brilliant title of the show, "Art-tastic". If you need any more proof that I'm a magnificent word-smith, you'll notice that I removed the "fan" out of "fantastic" because my collection will already make enough fans out of the people who see it. I thought it was redundant to have another "fan". But you could've figured that out on your own, right? Didn't think so.
You'll also notice that I didn't write out explanations for the brilliant commentary that each piece provides. I will eventually since most of my readers are too eternally clueless to understand the inner workings of an artist's mind, but for now, my teacher has to grade and be astounded by my awesome work. Therefore, the site for my exhibition must remain simple and banal. An "A" still wouldn't do me justice.
The composition of each piece is so striking that you'll be bashing your heads against the wall wondering what medium I used. Oil-based? Water colors? Crayons? Wrong again. Of course, I used Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator to give life to every one of my babies. Now, you'd assume that using a computer program would make creating an image easier. But once again, you'd be wrong. You think you can click "new layer" and start over? You think you can just open up the edit file and click "undo?" You think you can just press "p" for "picture" and come up with a masterpiece? Don't make me giggle.
So if you'd like to be blown any, just visit the "Art-tastic" exhibition in my profile. But if your mind is too weak to handle my genius (which is probably the case), then go back to your finger-painting and soup cans and leave us real artists to wallow in their own vaginas. Thank you.