My website targets an audience of 18-22 year olds in college Coincidentally enough, both of my readers fall into that demographic.
Since I'm fortunate enough to get so much feedback from them, I often hear how great a time that they have had in their nine-week-old college experience. They even have the gall to say that no one could be having a better time than them. Well, I'm here to say that they are liars.
I have statistically proven that my brief college experience has been the greatest college experience had by any student at any institute of higher education ever (whew). Just think of the over 15,000 students who graduated from a Ohio State University last year. I have had a better time in college than all of them combined. Just image the the thousands of graduates that attended Harvard in its 370-year-old history. My great experience would put theirs to Ted Haggert shame (You didn't even need scientific proof to know that).
But since we are now a society based on concrete evidence (now that the Democrats have the House and Senate) I have conceived a simple mathematically formula that will definitely prove that my good times in college have far exceeded that of any else (ever). Granted, I haven't even taken a math class in six months, so you may call this math fuzzy, but I prefer to call it cute. Now, everyone, direct your attention to the board and be quiet!
Lim x = [(G+N) + S - (Tp - H)]x
First, don't even attempt to write a proof for this equations. Proofs suck. We begin to conceptualize this formula as a limit to 100, and the closer that limit is to 100, the better college experience you have. Second, we add the your current grade point average with the number of impossibly awesome teachers that you have. These variables are labeled "G" and "N". Next, we add the current number of credits that you have for second semester. This variable is labeled "S". We then subtract the number of financial holds that one may have during their four years in college by the number of times that one toilet papers the campus. We label these variables "H" and "Tp" respectively. Finally, this formula is then grouped into an orientation that conveniences me the most.
Now that I have but you to sleep, it's time to apply my own variables to this formula. Since my GPA is a remarkably low 3.1, and my number of great teachers is a remarkably high 6, this first group adds up to 9.1.
Now, other students may have not registered for second semester class, but they should be grateful. Since the first three classes I registered for miraculously conflicted with every, and I mean every, other class scheduled for the second half of the year, I have only 7 hours of credit. But to counteract the my impossibly remarkable inability to register for classes, I have been fortunate enough to TP the campus four times and to face only one financial hold.
But wait, I forgot the all important variable "x". Now, for me, it could be infinity, or the number of hours I have spent in the computer lab doing art. But instead, the variable "x" is the ultimate definition of how great one's college experience can be: the number of wins your college's football team currently has. For me, this equals an unexpected NINE.
So, let's compile these numbers and see how great my college experience has been so far:
Lim x-->9 [(3.1+6) + 7 - (4-1)] 9. Lim = 99.9
My nine week college experience is one-tenth away from being perfect. I suppose that could small number could be added with my completion of Digital Art I. So remember, proofs suck, and if you come across anyone who is bold enough to claim that they had the best time in college, you get in their face and them a bald-faced liar. They haven't mathematically proven that how good their times were, like I have. Man I'm great.
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