Thus Ends the Worst Week of My Life

Now please, I know this clever and very original post describing my week is going to sound like one big complaint. However, I, as you already know, am much better than that. Over the past nine months, I’ve gotten countless laughs at other people’s expense. Well, now it’s time for a taste of my own medicine. So please, get a cheap laugh or two at my misery, and I hope you find it more amusing than I did (which is entirely probable).
Firstly, a lot of small things conspired to make my week bad (I had to go into work. I didn’t win the lottery). However, some extraordinary events cause what is probably, and I do not exaggerate, the worst week in human history. Take these examples.
Late Saturday night and early Sunday morning, my week started as no one else’s should; paying $10 to see “X-Men: The Last Stand”. It’s not that the movie was bad; it’s just that it wasn’t good either. It wasn’t poor enough that I had weeks of A-material afterwards, but it wasn’t good enough to recommend it to all my friends at the cocktail parties. The following morning, I vomited five times in the most unpleasant Sunday morning I’ve ever had (and after thirteen years of going to church, that’s saying something). This is the third time I’ve had this stomach bug, and none of them occurred after a night a night of getting sauced. So in my experience with this illness, I’m usually fine by noon. However, this week just had to be different.
I didn’t get better till Friday. During the week, I could’ve been diagnosed with the following illnesses: influenza, the measles, whooping cough, dysentery, and polio. Multiple things disappointed me about my prolonged sickness.

1) In four years of high school, I have missed two days of school. So next time, I expect better out of my suddenly chicken shit immune system.
2) I didn’t set the record for the most illnesses in 168-hour period. Setting a world record in even under the most incredibly grueling circumstances makes even the most unpleasant experience seem worth it.
3) I was disappointed by my recovery because because it ruled out the possibility of me having AIDs. At that point, I kind of felt like having a terminal illness.

But AIDs didn’t light a candle to the coup de grace of this week…conjunctivitis. That’s right, the illness that only five to twelve-year-olds suffer from, somehow infected me.
In times of hardship, men usually turn to sports for solace and the feeling that they have achieved some kind of victory, even though they didn’t do anything except cheer on a team. However, sports only confirmed that this was the worst week of my life. The Brewers went a miraculous 0-7. Not only that, they were outscored 56-17. On top of that, they lost twice on Thursday. That’s right, in the bottom of the ninth, Jose Castillo hit a supposed walk-off home run and the Pirates proceeded to celebrate one of very few victories that they will have this season. However, the umpires ruled the home run a double, giving the Brewers another chance to blow it. As un-luck would have it, Ryan Doumit hit a single to right, scoring Castillo, and effectively forcing me to drink antifreeze in sorrow. And in a dowsing of poison onto this Caesar salad of badness, my team lost once again in the ninth against the Nationals on Saturday night. I later stuck a kitchen knife from Vector Services up my ass to distract myself from the pain.
To make matters worse, the Buffalo Sabres lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals to the Carolina Hurricanes. Now I know I don’t make as a big a deal of my fanaticism for the Sabres as I do for the Brewers, but that’s only because my father grew up a Bruins a fan (yes, even in New Jersey) and he just would not have it if I rooted for a divisional opponent (he’d kick my ass). Also, how can your root against Buffalo? You’d be forced to cheer for hockey team from North Carolina, which is obviously against God’s will. That poor community in upstate New York deserves a championship above all others (aside from Milwaukee of course).
Now I know you’re probably holding your sides and doubled over in laughter, but please, I advise you to be weary. I’m attending a lot a graduation parties this week and…well, let me put it this way. Have you seen the movie “Just My Luck”?