The Second Annual Tellie Awards

Sadly, I'm not looking forward to handing out my Tellie Awards this year. Every year, I attempt to highlight incredible films that the critics love, audiences ignore, and I wet my pants over. However, the nominees this year may resemble the possible winners for another overly self-congratulatory, figurative reach-around of an award show (hint: look up the Oscar nominees). But whereas the winners of those awards are already forgone conclusions, you may be surprised by this year's Tellie Award recepients. So get your hopes up. Way up. Because they are going to fall faster than Britney Spears' sanity:
Best Documentary of 2006:
Block Party
Jesus Camp

And the winner is...Block Party! Even though the message board for Jesus Camp on the Internet Movie Database gives me plenty of opportunities to disprove cowardly atheists, Block Party was the most fun I've had in a movie theater all year. However, it's a documentary, and it probably wouldn't win Best Picture. But I just had to give it something.

Worst Excuse for a Documentary of the Year Nominees:
The Root of All Evil?

And the winner is...I mean, the loss goes to "The Root of All Evil?", a weak attempt at showing how religion has caused every violent conflict on Earth. Yes, every single one. They couldn't even get it into theaters, it's so bad. And you don't have to see it to detest the documentary as much as I do. All you have to know is that prominently features Richard Dawkins, whose smug existence is reason enough to dislike anything.

Most Disappointing Waste of $10 This Summer:
The DaVinci Code
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns
X-Men III: The Last Stand

And the loser is...Poseidon. Devoid of all emotion, spark, or even imagination, this waste of $16 (yes, my brothers just had to see it in IMAX) had me sticking a spoon up my ass, just so I could feel something (or to distract myself from the pain.) I think I had a harder time sitting through this piece of garbage than the "characters" had getting through that ship.

Now, you're probably not asking yourselves, "What will this year's two losers receive now that you've designed such an immaculate trophy for these awards?" Well, the trophy does feature a bucket (very clever, I know), and for the winners, it will be filled with chocolate. And for the losers, it will be filled with another brown, gooey substance, only less delicious.

Sickest Screenplay of the Year Nominees:
Michael Arndt (Little Miss Sunshine)
Todd Field and Tom Perotta (Little Children)
Zach Helm (Stranger than Fiction)
William Monahan (The Departed)
Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking)

And the winner is...Jason Reitman, Thank You for Smoking! Even though Michael Arndt probably deserves the award just as much it since took five years to make Little Miss Sunshine, it took Reitman ten to make Thank You for Smoking. And he directed too. Sorry, Mikey.

Super-rific Supporting Actress of the Year Nominees:
Amy Adams (Talledaga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)
Adriana Barraza (Babel)
Maria Bello (Thank You for Smoking)
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jodie Foster (Inside Man)

And the winner is...Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine! In this movie, Breslin has to be precocious, subtle, confused, teary, and elated all at the same time. And she does it all. Superbly.

Super-rific Supporting Actor of the Year Nominees:
Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Steve Carell (Little Miss Sunshine)
Kazunari Ninomiya (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Michael Sheen (The Queen)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

And the winner is...Michael Sheen, The Queen! It's hard enough to portray a historical figure (let alone a living one), but Sheen does an excellent job of portraying and looking like Tony Blair. He also has the memorable moment in cinema this year (and no, Pathé Pictures did not tell me to say that, but I am expecting a check).

Lucious Leading Lady of the Year Nominees:
Debbie Doebereiner (Bubble)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Stranger than Fiction)
Helen Mirren (The Queen)
Amy Sedaris (Strangers With Candy)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)

And the winner is...Debbie Doebereiner, Bubble! Even though it's out of the tradition of the title "lucious", Debbie gives the most heartbreaking performence this year. And Helen Mirren has enough awards in her arms. It's tough not to give it to her, but I remind myself that she was in Teaching Ms. Tingle and Shadowboxer and Raising Helen and...

Pimpin' Male Performance of the Year Nominees:
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan)
Aaron Eckhart (Thank You for Smoking)
Ken Watanabe (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)
Patrick Wilson (Little Children)

And the winner is...Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland! Okay, his performance is really worthy of all the awards. He didn't have crazy Southerns to feed off of. Sorry, Sacha (jeez, I'm giving out more apologies than awards).

Best Director of the Year Nominees:
Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris (Little Miss Sunshine)
Kevin MacDonald (The Last King of Scotland)
Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking)
Martin Scorsese (The Departed)
Steven Soderbergh (Bubble)

And the winner is...Steven Soderbergh, Bubble! He made that movie feel more like real life than real life itself. That's how good this guy is.

Are you disappointed yet? Good, because here comes the...
Best Picture of 2006 Nominees:
Bubble
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Thank You for Smoking

And the winner is...Thank You for Smoking! Interesting, another overlooked and underrated gem that people passed on has won the Tellie Award for Best Picture. I'm beginning to sense a pattern. This solid, politically incorrect slice of satire just beat out Little Miss Sunshine and Bubble, but I implore you to see all three films. I dub them the "Trilogy of 2006", and I will release a special edition pack of all three DVDs (because I need some dough). Go check them out. They're cool.