Oscars-Winning Films and Dow: What They Have in Common

As is my annual custom, I tuned into the Academy Awards last night because I want to be part of the self-congratulatory reach-around that Hollywood puts on every year. After ten years of watching the program, I now have a pretty objective view of show's quality. So for those of you who did not watch the ceremony last night, I will tell you how it went down. About fifteen minutes in, I called my brother (who was also watching) and simply told him "If Ellen DeGeneres doesn't get off the stage, I am going to stab myself."
However, my faith in life was restored when William Monahan and Michael Arndt won the only writing awards presented in the evening. As someone from Boston (like Monahan) who writes screenplays with uninspired premises (like Arndt), it gave hope that too may one day win a golden idol to worship.
But that was not the highlight of the evening. You see, the Oscars are like a second Super Bowl when it comes to commercials. These advertisements are enormous in scale and irrelevant to whatever they are selling. They're like mystery stories. For instance, three rabbits sit on a log. One of them goes home and hangs himself. Buy a bike!
One commercial, however, touched me in a way I have never been touched before (get your head out of the gutter). Suddenly, squeezed in between an insipid ad for Budweiser and a banal Coke spot, sweeping landscapes and beautiful images flew by as the bittersweet "New Harmony Waltz" played in the background. And then, an appeal to humanity, and a mention how we as humans illuminate this wonderful planet. At this point, I don't know what the hell this company is selling, and I don't care! Finally, after a good mind-numbing minute of visual and musical beauty, we finally learn who is responsible for the sweeping epic of a commercial; Dow.
That's it. Dow. After coming back to my senses, I decided to find out what exactly it is that this Dow does. After a quick trip to Wikipedia, I found out the truth. Apparently, Dow does human catastrophe.
The first half of the Wikipedia article was chalk full of happy news. You see, Dow is currently the second largest chemical producer on the planet Earth, and its stock has been hot enough for 100 years to have the American Industrial Stock exchange to be named after it. Chemicals, capitalism, America, it's all good. Then we hit the second half, and things turned sour. Apparently, Dow was the top provider of napalm and Agent Orange to the United States military during the Vietnam War. And the adverse results of those two chemicals weapons still affect Vietnam today. Then they owned a Union-Carbine plant in India that, in 1984, let off toxic gases into heavily populated city of Bhopal. And the effects of those poisonous gases still harm the people of India today. Then they...well, let's just say that Dow doesn't exactly have a pleasant history.
But ironically enough, all this talk of Dow violating human rights led me back to one place. Yes, that beautiful commercial, which can be seen here on YouTube. Clearly, Dow is attempting to cover up its troubled past with inspirationally shallow advertising. However, what director would lower himself to actually concealing corporate greed with such a cheesy commercial? And what's even worse, what director would do it so flawlessly?
But then I returned to the Oscars, where the nominees aren't exactly beacons of light. For instance, the ending to the Best Picture winner is basically a poor man's Hamlet. The front-runner prior the ceremony showed an American tourist getting shot, a Mexican immigrant and children almost dying in the desert, that same Mexican immigrant being unfairly returned to Mexico, and a deaf, Japanese girl (sans panties) basically offering herself up to anything that moves. And the sentimental favorite coming in to this year's Oscars featured a foul-mouthed Grandfather, a gay Proust scholar, a boy's dream being crushed, and that same Grandpa being squeezed into the back of the van. Oh, if you don't want to hear spoilers, don't read the previous sentence.
After a lot of thought, I came to one conclusion; film needs evil. How else will movies generate conflict? All conflict revolves around a battle between good and evil. And despite their unflattering subject matters, The Departed, Babel, and Little Miss Sunshine are all fine films that greatly enhance the medium. And if Dow didn't commit these terrible atrocities, then that beautiful commercial would have no need to exist. Actually, scratch that. Dow is just evil incarnate in corporation form that should be taken down in every way possible. However, the "New Harmony Waltz" and the director of that commercial can stay.