Oscars-Winning Films and Dow: What They Have in Common

As is my annual custom, I tuned into the Academy Awards last night because I want to be part of the self-congratulatory reach-around that Hollywood puts on every year. After ten years of watching the program, I now have a pretty objective view of show's quality. So for those of you who did not watch the ceremony last night, I will tell you how it went down. About fifteen minutes in, I called my brother (who was also watching) and simply told him "If Ellen DeGeneres doesn't get off the stage, I am going to stab myself."
However, my faith in life was restored when William Monahan and Michael Arndt won the only writing awards presented in the evening. As someone from Boston (like Monahan) who writes screenplays with uninspired premises (like Arndt), it gave hope that too may one day win a golden idol to worship.
But that was not the highlight of the evening. You see, the Oscars are like a second Super Bowl when it comes to commercials. These advertisements are enormous in scale and irrelevant to whatever they are selling. They're like mystery stories. For instance, three rabbits sit on a log. One of them goes home and hangs himself. Buy a bike!
One commercial, however, touched me in a way I have never been touched before (get your head out of the gutter). Suddenly, squeezed in between an insipid ad for Budweiser and a banal Coke spot, sweeping landscapes and beautiful images flew by as the bittersweet "New Harmony Waltz" played in the background. And then, an appeal to humanity, and a mention how we as humans illuminate this wonderful planet. At this point, I don't know what the hell this company is selling, and I don't care! Finally, after a good mind-numbing minute of visual and musical beauty, we finally learn who is responsible for the sweeping epic of a commercial; Dow.
That's it. Dow. After coming back to my senses, I decided to find out what exactly it is that this Dow does. After a quick trip to Wikipedia, I found out the truth. Apparently, Dow does human catastrophe.
The first half of the Wikipedia article was chalk full of happy news. You see, Dow is currently the second largest chemical producer on the planet Earth, and its stock has been hot enough for 100 years to have the American Industrial Stock exchange to be named after it. Chemicals, capitalism, America, it's all good. Then we hit the second half, and things turned sour. Apparently, Dow was the top provider of napalm and Agent Orange to the United States military during the Vietnam War. And the adverse results of those two chemicals weapons still affect Vietnam today. Then they owned a Union-Carbine plant in India that, in 1984, let off toxic gases into heavily populated city of Bhopal. And the effects of those poisonous gases still harm the people of India today. Then they...well, let's just say that Dow doesn't exactly have a pleasant history.
But ironically enough, all this talk of Dow violating human rights led me back to one place. Yes, that beautiful commercial, which can be seen here on YouTube. Clearly, Dow is attempting to cover up its troubled past with inspirationally shallow advertising. However, what director would lower himself to actually concealing corporate greed with such a cheesy commercial? And what's even worse, what director would do it so flawlessly?
But then I returned to the Oscars, where the nominees aren't exactly beacons of light. For instance, the ending to the Best Picture winner is basically a poor man's Hamlet. The front-runner prior the ceremony showed an American tourist getting shot, a Mexican immigrant and children almost dying in the desert, that same Mexican immigrant being unfairly returned to Mexico, and a deaf, Japanese girl (sans panties) basically offering herself up to anything that moves. And the sentimental favorite coming in to this year's Oscars featured a foul-mouthed Grandfather, a gay Proust scholar, a boy's dream being crushed, and that same Grandpa being squeezed into the back of the van. Oh, if you don't want to hear spoilers, don't read the previous sentence.
After a lot of thought, I came to one conclusion; film needs evil. How else will movies generate conflict? All conflict revolves around a battle between good and evil. And despite their unflattering subject matters, The Departed, Babel, and Little Miss Sunshine are all fine films that greatly enhance the medium. And if Dow didn't commit these terrible atrocities, then that beautiful commercial would have no need to exist. Actually, scratch that. Dow is just evil incarnate in corporation form that should be taken down in every way possible. However, the "New Harmony Waltz" and the director of that commercial can stay.

The Second Annual Tellie Awards

Sadly, I'm not looking forward to handing out my Tellie Awards this year. Every year, I attempt to highlight incredible films that the critics love, audiences ignore, and I wet my pants over. However, the nominees this year may resemble the possible winners for another overly self-congratulatory, figurative reach-around of an award show (hint: look up the Oscar nominees). But whereas the winners of those awards are already forgone conclusions, you may be surprised by this year's Tellie Award recepients. So get your hopes up. Way up. Because they are going to fall faster than Britney Spears' sanity:
Best Documentary of 2006:
Block Party
Jesus Camp

And the winner is...Block Party! Even though the message board for Jesus Camp on the Internet Movie Database gives me plenty of opportunities to disprove cowardly atheists, Block Party was the most fun I've had in a movie theater all year. However, it's a documentary, and it probably wouldn't win Best Picture. But I just had to give it something.

Worst Excuse for a Documentary of the Year Nominees:
The Root of All Evil?

And the winner is...I mean, the loss goes to "The Root of All Evil?", a weak attempt at showing how religion has caused every violent conflict on Earth. Yes, every single one. They couldn't even get it into theaters, it's so bad. And you don't have to see it to detest the documentary as much as I do. All you have to know is that prominently features Richard Dawkins, whose smug existence is reason enough to dislike anything.

Most Disappointing Waste of $10 This Summer:
The DaVinci Code
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns
X-Men III: The Last Stand

And the loser is...Poseidon. Devoid of all emotion, spark, or even imagination, this waste of $16 (yes, my brothers just had to see it in IMAX) had me sticking a spoon up my ass, just so I could feel something (or to distract myself from the pain.) I think I had a harder time sitting through this piece of garbage than the "characters" had getting through that ship.

Now, you're probably not asking yourselves, "What will this year's two losers receive now that you've designed such an immaculate trophy for these awards?" Well, the trophy does feature a bucket (very clever, I know), and for the winners, it will be filled with chocolate. And for the losers, it will be filled with another brown, gooey substance, only less delicious.

Sickest Screenplay of the Year Nominees:
Michael Arndt (Little Miss Sunshine)
Todd Field and Tom Perotta (Little Children)
Zach Helm (Stranger than Fiction)
William Monahan (The Departed)
Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking)

And the winner is...Jason Reitman, Thank You for Smoking! Even though Michael Arndt probably deserves the award just as much it since took five years to make Little Miss Sunshine, it took Reitman ten to make Thank You for Smoking. And he directed too. Sorry, Mikey.

Super-rific Supporting Actress of the Year Nominees:
Amy Adams (Talledaga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)
Adriana Barraza (Babel)
Maria Bello (Thank You for Smoking)
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jodie Foster (Inside Man)

And the winner is...Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine! In this movie, Breslin has to be precocious, subtle, confused, teary, and elated all at the same time. And she does it all. Superbly.

Super-rific Supporting Actor of the Year Nominees:
Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Steve Carell (Little Miss Sunshine)
Kazunari Ninomiya (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Michael Sheen (The Queen)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

And the winner is...Michael Sheen, The Queen! It's hard enough to portray a historical figure (let alone a living one), but Sheen does an excellent job of portraying and looking like Tony Blair. He also has the memorable moment in cinema this year (and no, Pathé Pictures did not tell me to say that, but I am expecting a check).

Lucious Leading Lady of the Year Nominees:
Debbie Doebereiner (Bubble)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Stranger than Fiction)
Helen Mirren (The Queen)
Amy Sedaris (Strangers With Candy)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)

And the winner is...Debbie Doebereiner, Bubble! Even though it's out of the tradition of the title "lucious", Debbie gives the most heartbreaking performence this year. And Helen Mirren has enough awards in her arms. It's tough not to give it to her, but I remind myself that she was in Teaching Ms. Tingle and Shadowboxer and Raising Helen and...

Pimpin' Male Performance of the Year Nominees:
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan)
Aaron Eckhart (Thank You for Smoking)
Ken Watanabe (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)
Patrick Wilson (Little Children)

And the winner is...Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland! Okay, his performance is really worthy of all the awards. He didn't have crazy Southerns to feed off of. Sorry, Sacha (jeez, I'm giving out more apologies than awards).

Best Director of the Year Nominees:
Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris (Little Miss Sunshine)
Kevin MacDonald (The Last King of Scotland)
Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking)
Martin Scorsese (The Departed)
Steven Soderbergh (Bubble)

And the winner is...Steven Soderbergh, Bubble! He made that movie feel more like real life than real life itself. That's how good this guy is.

Are you disappointed yet? Good, because here comes the...
Best Picture of 2006 Nominees:
Bubble
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
Thank You for Smoking

And the winner is...Thank You for Smoking! Interesting, another overlooked and underrated gem that people passed on has won the Tellie Award for Best Picture. I'm beginning to sense a pattern. This solid, politically incorrect slice of satire just beat out Little Miss Sunshine and Bubble, but I implore you to see all three films. I dub them the "Trilogy of 2006", and I will release a special edition pack of all three DVDs (because I need some dough). Go check them out. They're cool.