Irony U.

Now, I'm not going to publicly announce where I attend college over a webpage for all the world to see (instead I just reveal my hometown back in Massachusetts so if others look for me, they'll pester my parents instead). However, I will offer readers one gargantuan hint; my school just defeated Liberty University, otherwise known as Jerry Falwell U., in football, 34-14. Although a lot of overly optimistic and probably pre-menstrual people will say that notching a 20-point victory over any adversary is reason to celebrate, in my five weeks here, I've never been more embarassed for my school. Any victory over Falwell U. by a margin less than 50 points should be considered a disappointment. Our football team has a tendency to play down to its opponent (observe the 14-13 win over Duke in which we needed to block a last-second field goal for proof), and winning by 20 is about as far down to this opponent as our team could play. Simply put, Liberty University football is just like a high school football, except worse.
That's why accepting a 20-point victory feels so dissatisfying. It's not just the football team that our school should defeat, but the entire university in principle. For upon founding his school on Christian ideals in 1971, Jerry Falwell named it after a cornerstone characteristic of our great nation;" liberty". With a name like "Liberty", the school should not be located in Lynchburg, Virginia, but right in the middle of Irony, USA. Here is a list of the restrictions at a university named after freedom:

• Single students who are under the age of 21 are required to live in residence halls.
• Student participation in on-campus demonstrations, petitions, or picketing is prohibited unless approved by Liberty University administration.
• Distribution of literature in residence halls requires written approval from the Residence Life office.
• Penalty for the viewing of movies rated "R", "NC-17", or "X" are a reprimandable offense.
• The playing of video games that are rated “A” and “RP” (Note: "RP" means "rating pending", or not yet rated) is not permitted and a reprimandable offense. Any “M” -rated games with descriptors indicating any sexual content, alcohol/drug content, or strong language are not permitted.
• Music that is offensive (i.e., lewd lyrics, anti-Christian messages, etc.) to Liberty's Christian stand is not permitted.
• Students should not sled on University property.
• The University institutes an on-going program of mandatory random drug testing for students.

• The railroad tracks adjacent to the campus must be crossed only during designated times and at the designated crossing.
• If a student finds him/herself or another student in crisis and/or experiencing suicidal thoughts and desire immediate counseling, I should contact my Resident Assistant (RA), Resident Director (RD), Dean (Dean of Women/Men) or Liberty University Police Department (LUPD) personally or by phone.

Okay, I included the last two restrictions just for fun. I mean, where else would you find an administration ignorant enough to include rules on crossing railroad tracks in the code of conduct for college students? And I am pleased to see that they included some regulations on suicide prevention. After reading these rules, what student wouldn't want to kill him/herself?
Now, by no means do I want to sound like I endorse playing "M"-rated video games, listening to offensive music, or doing other debaucherous activities when I point out the absurdity of these restrictions. However, the strict regulations at this Christian-based university violates a fundimental pillar of Christianity; free will. That's why the all powerful God doesn't force us to love Him. He would rather have people who love Him under their own volition and sinners in the world than be worshiped by a bunch of zombies. Therefore, rules that follow Christian ideals should be encouraged, not enforced. Free will guarantees that people follow God's ways under their own personal accord and not under the influence of contradictory douche bags.
Congratulations, Mr. Falwell. You and your university are a discredit to Christianity.