Who is Ann Coulter?

Seriously, who is she? I have absolutely no clue. I am without a clue on the subject. People describe her as bitch, but I view every woman outside of my mom, my aunts, and my future wife as somewhat of a bitch. So, I did all my research (by research, I mean I looked it up on Wikipedia) and discovered that calling her a bitch is far too deep in litotes to even be called an understatement. Satan could not have done any better with the anti-Christ.
Again, my entire arguement is predicated on this Wikipedia article, which can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Coulter. In a way, this article comes as a welcome relief to me. For too long have I tried solving figurative Rubix cubes in defending intelligent design and justifying my fanataicism for the Milwaukee Brewers. Now, it's my turn to point the gun at the broad side of the barn and fire (except the gun is a crappy-ass website and the broad side of the barn induces headaches across the United States.) Anyway, let's read the article, shall we.
The first thing that struck me was the front cover of her book entitled Slander. Sure, it's a good way to invoke ire, but the word "slander" is printed on a newspaper. Therefore, it would be called libel and not slander. And this is coming from a woman who graduated from Cornell University no less. The second thing that struck me was the fact that she called the "Church of Liberalism" "godless". I, for one, didn't know liberalism was a church, much less that it's godless. In fact, calling a church "godless" doesn't make it much a church now does it. I'm beginning to see why Ms. Coulter opposes women's suffrage.
Coulter has also been described as a "liberal's worse nightmare" and a "conservative darling". Who the hell would make this bitch their darling? I'm sure conservatives would love to portray a woman who supports apartheid as their "darling". Hell, even her parents can't possibly love her. I bet we don't hear much from them because they probably commited suicide once Ann hit television. If only they had taken her with them.
Now, a close examination of the facts will reveal that she is both a woman and certifiably nuts. Therefore, we can conclude that she believes in such evils because she wants attention. Let's face it, deep down inside, that's what all women want, isn't it? So just buy the bitch a damn mirror. She can give herself all the attention she wants without bothering the rest of us.
But as long as people keep being stupid...wait, scratch that. As long as people keep being people, Coulter will be writing books and appearing on television. I, however, will take action. I will stop the madness. How, you ask? My plan is to get her the sack and proceed to bang the brains out of her (assuming she has brains or even a vagina). I will get her in bed and take her around the freaking world. It seems like all of her extreme political views stem from a lack of attention and a need for some sweet lovin'. After all, we all know that women need stimulation. How do you explain high school girls going out with the most dispictable guys? Girls in high school will bang anything that moves, that's how badly they need lovin'. Clearly, Ms. Coulter has ignored her snooge and has taken her sexual frustration out on the world.
So, I will sacrifice all my masculine greatness to Ann, so that she may realize she belongs in one place...bed, and maybe the kitchen. But then again, giving my virginity to Ann my not be all that bad. I mean, who wouldn't want to have sex with a praying mantis? Ha ha, your move, Ann!

Thus Ends the Worst Week of My Life

Now please, I know this clever and very original post describing my week is going to sound like one big complaint. However, I, as you already know, am much better than that. Over the past nine months, I’ve gotten countless laughs at other people’s expense. Well, now it’s time for a taste of my own medicine. So please, get a cheap laugh or two at my misery, and I hope you find it more amusing than I did (which is entirely probable).
Firstly, a lot of small things conspired to make my week bad (I had to go into work. I didn’t win the lottery). However, some extraordinary events cause what is probably, and I do not exaggerate, the worst week in human history. Take these examples.
Late Saturday night and early Sunday morning, my week started as no one else’s should; paying $10 to see “X-Men: The Last Stand”. It’s not that the movie was bad; it’s just that it wasn’t good either. It wasn’t poor enough that I had weeks of A-material afterwards, but it wasn’t good enough to recommend it to all my friends at the cocktail parties. The following morning, I vomited five times in the most unpleasant Sunday morning I’ve ever had (and after thirteen years of going to church, that’s saying something). This is the third time I’ve had this stomach bug, and none of them occurred after a night a night of getting sauced. So in my experience with this illness, I’m usually fine by noon. However, this week just had to be different.
I didn’t get better till Friday. During the week, I could’ve been diagnosed with the following illnesses: influenza, the measles, whooping cough, dysentery, and polio. Multiple things disappointed me about my prolonged sickness.

1) In four years of high school, I have missed two days of school. So next time, I expect better out of my suddenly chicken shit immune system.
2) I didn’t set the record for the most illnesses in 168-hour period. Setting a world record in even under the most incredibly grueling circumstances makes even the most unpleasant experience seem worth it.
3) I was disappointed by my recovery because because it ruled out the possibility of me having AIDs. At that point, I kind of felt like having a terminal illness.

But AIDs didn’t light a candle to the coup de grace of this week…conjunctivitis. That’s right, the illness that only five to twelve-year-olds suffer from, somehow infected me.
In times of hardship, men usually turn to sports for solace and the feeling that they have achieved some kind of victory, even though they didn’t do anything except cheer on a team. However, sports only confirmed that this was the worst week of my life. The Brewers went a miraculous 0-7. Not only that, they were outscored 56-17. On top of that, they lost twice on Thursday. That’s right, in the bottom of the ninth, Jose Castillo hit a supposed walk-off home run and the Pirates proceeded to celebrate one of very few victories that they will have this season. However, the umpires ruled the home run a double, giving the Brewers another chance to blow it. As un-luck would have it, Ryan Doumit hit a single to right, scoring Castillo, and effectively forcing me to drink antifreeze in sorrow. And in a dowsing of poison onto this Caesar salad of badness, my team lost once again in the ninth against the Nationals on Saturday night. I later stuck a kitchen knife from Vector Services up my ass to distract myself from the pain.
To make matters worse, the Buffalo Sabres lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals to the Carolina Hurricanes. Now I know I don’t make as a big a deal of my fanaticism for the Sabres as I do for the Brewers, but that’s only because my father grew up a Bruins a fan (yes, even in New Jersey) and he just would not have it if I rooted for a divisional opponent (he’d kick my ass). Also, how can your root against Buffalo? You’d be forced to cheer for hockey team from North Carolina, which is obviously against God’s will. That poor community in upstate New York deserves a championship above all others (aside from Milwaukee of course).
Now I know you’re probably holding your sides and doubled over in laughter, but please, I advise you to be weary. I’m attending a lot a graduation parties this week and…well, let me put it this way. Have you seen the movie “Just My Luck”?