The First Annual Tellie Awards

Every night before I go to bed, I say a little prayer thanking God that he gave me rich parents. Now that the prices at the movie theatres are just atrocious, I count my blessings whenever I get to see a movie. This year I was fortunate enough to see some great ones, since I don't have the balls to view a film that I might not like. So, without much more further, elongated or prolonged form of ado, I present to the most prestigious awards in all of film, my own; the First Annual Tellie Awards.

Best Animated Feature of the Year Nominees:
Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbitt

And the winner is...
Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbitt! Hey, I was shocked too that it won. But don't be surprised that it won, be surprised that it's not the only animated movie I've seen this year.

Weakest Animated Feature of the Year Nominees:
Robots

And the winner is...
Robots! Not only does the movie have the most uninspired title of the year, it is the only bland computer-animated film I've seen in my entire life. To give you an impression of how bad it is, I'll summerize the movie in one sentence; Ewan McGregor had a better performance in Star Wars Episode I (now that's saying something).

Best Special Effects:
King Kong
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
War of the Worlds

And the winner is...
King Kong! I needed to give King Kong an award just to stick it to my brother. I think he'd rather pour a full bottle of Windex in his eyes than see this movie again. Apparently he approached a movie about a 30-foot tall gorilla like a National Geographic Special. He still won't let me live it down.

Sickest Screenplay of the Year Nominees:
David Goyer & Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins)
Michael Haneke (Caché)
Paul Haggis (Crash)
Andrew Niccol (Lord of War)
Tony Kushner & Eric Roth (Munich)

And the winner is...
Andrew Niccol, Lord of War! This award doesn't go to Andrew Niccol for his work in Lord of War as much as it does for his penning of The Truman Show (which is only the greatest movie ever made). I'm recognizing him for the greatness of that particular film since no one else would (the bastards).

Super-rific Supporting Actress of the Year Nominees:
Juliette Binoche (Caché)
Hope Davis (Proof)
Yomi Perry (Crash)
Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener)
Gary Beach (The Producers)

And the winner is...
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener! Honestly, the rest of the nominees are just filler (even Mr. Beach, who was in drag most of the time). Weisz blows all of them away.

Super-rific Supporting Actor of the Year Nominees:
Morgan Freeman (Batman Begins)
Colin Hanks (King Kong)
Jared Leto (Lord of War)
Liam Neeson (Batman Begins)
Michael Pena (Crash)

And the winner is...
Michael Pena, Crash! So what if he's in the movie for about five minutes? I assure you, his performance will bring tears to you're eyes...not that it made me cry or anything. Not only that, but I love Morgan Freeman, (See The Shawshank Redemption to find out how much) so Pena has to be pretty solid for me not to just hand over this award to Mor-dogg for his shear awesomeness.

Lucious Leading Ladies of the Year Nominees:
Katie Holms (Batman Begins)
Tea Leoni (Fun with Dick and Jane)
Bridget Moynahan (Lord of War)
Uma Thurman (The Producers)
Naomi Watts (King Kong)

And the winner is...
Uma Thurman, The Producers! As you can see, this award doesn't exactly evaluate the performance as actresses. Heck, Naomi Watts' voice changes in every scene. However, I did notice the other, finer qualities of these fine young actresses, starting at the chest and ending at the legs. That's why I nominated Katie Holms (Pressing the mute button in every scene in which she spoke greatly enhances her performance). But every Oscar, Tony, or any award in the world wouldn't do Uma Thurman justice. I guarantee that although every man in the theater is sitting, they will be giving her performance a standing ovation.

Pimpin' Male Performances of the Year Nominees:
Daniel Autriel (Caché)
Christian Bale (Batman Begins)
Eric Bana (Munich)
Nicholas Cage (Lord of War)
Ralph Fiennes (The Constant Gardener)

And the winner is...
Eric Bana, Munich! Just watch the scene where he speaks over the phone with his son, then try to tell me that's not one of the best performances you have ever seen.

Best Director of the Year Nominees:
Michael Haneke (Caché)
Fernando Meirelles (The Constant Gardener)
Andrew Niccol (Lord of War)
Christopher Nolan (Batman Begins)
Steven Spielberg (Munich)

And the winner is...
Fernando Meirelles, The Constant Gardener! I know, I'm shocked too (and I'm giving out the freaking awards). Even though Spielberg directed the Indiana Jones movies and Nolan directed Memento (which should earn them every directorial award from now on), Meirelles raised awareness of corporate greed and the plights in Africa in an easily accessable, sprawling epic, which is a good thing for idiots like me.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The moment of truth. The moment that you've been hanging on the edge of you seat for. The moment that you've skipped reading several cliches just to see...
Best Picture of 2005 Nominees:
Batman Begins
Caché
The Constant Gardener
Lord of War
Munich

And the winner is...
Lord of War! It sucks hardcore that more people didn't a chance to see this movie. It kicks so much ass that my butt was sore after watching it (from the kicking, I mean. Get you're mind out of the gutter). Sure the inspired acting of Nicholas Cage and the superb directing of Andrew Niccol made it great, but what made this movie go over the top, you ask? It featured the ultimate bummer song, Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"! That one piece of musical genius incapsulates the incredible joy and sadness in seeing Lord of War. Go see it. It's cool.