I hesitate to write this post, since I watch an ungodly amount of television and no one will know what the hell I'm talking about. But for the sake of lowering my blood pressure, New Balance has a new ad campaign that asks all the pros out there, in case they've forgotten, "there are two motivations in sports, which is yours? For love or money?" Let me speak on the behalf of all professional athletes and say that they do in fact play for money. They don't have a choice, dipshits. That's what makes them professional athletes, they play to make money. But of course, the ad executives at New Balance are too damn stupid to realize this, so they'll live in an idealistic world where everyone will just play for the love of the game, or they're just pissed at the pros who choose not to endorse their products.
If that wasn't enough, the ads include empty-headed high school athletes acting tough because they supposedly play for the "love" (I wonder if love is the same as devotion, because love doesn't work in this context). Interestingly enough, all of these high schoolers in the commercials are white. Hmmm. Then they start parading around like little assholes telling professional athletes stuff like "this is what floor burn looks like" and "this is what a bunt looks like". Who better to tell us how to play to game then high schoolers? Next I suppose they'll be telling us how important their games are. Oh wait, they aren't. Easy for you to say, dickheads, your livelihood doesn't hinge on your ability to play since nobody gives a shit about high school sports. Let's see how much floor burn you have if your ability to play basketball depends on feeding your family.
But you know what, it doesn't matter. Advertisements are meant to sell products, but apparently that's not how New Balance rolls. Instead, they attempt to lure impressionable idiots into buying their sneakers, thinking that will somehow be sticking it to all the pros out there and playing for the "love" of the game. Fortunately, I have a little more faith in humanity, and people will realize that New Balance shoes blow, regardless of whatever their ads say. However, I still think that internal question, "for love or money" isn't directed towards just professional athletes, but general sports participants all over the world, like me. So if you ask me if I run cross-country or play hockey for love or money, I'm gonna have to say money. And chicks. I play for chicks.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
What's Claim to Fame/What's Claim to Lame
I'm sick of those stupid "What's hot and What's not" lists. So I've decided to compose my own list that will give you the real scoop, cookie dough favored.
What's Claim to Fame
J.J. Hardy: Early in the season, I threw this guy under the bus. Not only did I throw him under the bus, I drove it forwards and backwards over him several times. However, in the last week, he's been so good, it's stupid. This week alone, Hardy has batted 13 for 33, raising his average about 50 points, with three home runs and 13 RBIs, both doubling his season's totals. Perfect. I anticipate seeing an infield consisting of Prince Fielder, Rickey Weeks, Bill Hall and Hardy showing off World Series rings in a year or two
Mr. David Malaro: Although I haven't seen it, I already know that the movie "The Man" is the latest turd to hit movie theaters this week. Not only does it look shitty, but they miscast Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy as "the man". The movie should've starred Mr. Malaro, my Ethics class teacher. Ironically enough, serving in Vietnam was the best thing that happened to him. His service in the military ultimate forced him to answer the moral questions that everyone faces, and now he wants to impart his knowledge to students like me without any political slant. Thank you, Mr. Malaro. You rock hardcore.
Notre Dame Football: I've been an avid fan of college football since 2001, but I've never had one single team to focus my fanaticism. But once the University of Notre Dame hired former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, I discovered that I desperately wanted the Fighting Irish to do well. Not only because Weis rocks hardcore, but because the poor players are expected to maintain difficult academic standards while win potentially the most gratifying national championship in the history of college football. How the hell do the boosters expect to this team to win a championship with that schedule? Ever notice how every player on a national championship team has majored in football and minored in speech communication (probably used to speak to the press better)? I'm not saying that stadegy helps, but it doesn't hurt either.
J.J. Hardy: Early in the season, I threw this guy under the bus. Not only did I throw him under the bus, I drove it forwards and backwards over him several times. However, in the last week, he's been so good, it's stupid. This week alone, Hardy has batted 13 for 33, raising his average about 50 points, with three home runs and 13 RBIs, both doubling his season's totals. Perfect. I anticipate seeing an infield consisting of Prince Fielder, Rickey Weeks, Bill Hall and Hardy showing off World Series rings in a year or two
Mr. David Malaro: Although I haven't seen it, I already know that the movie "The Man" is the latest turd to hit movie theaters this week. Not only does it look shitty, but they miscast Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy as "the man". The movie should've starred Mr. Malaro, my Ethics class teacher. Ironically enough, serving in Vietnam was the best thing that happened to him. His service in the military ultimate forced him to answer the moral questions that everyone faces, and now he wants to impart his knowledge to students like me without any political slant. Thank you, Mr. Malaro. You rock hardcore.
Notre Dame Football: I've been an avid fan of college football since 2001, but I've never had one single team to focus my fanaticism. But once the University of Notre Dame hired former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, I discovered that I desperately wanted the Fighting Irish to do well. Not only because Weis rocks hardcore, but because the poor players are expected to maintain difficult academic standards while win potentially the most gratifying national championship in the history of college football. How the hell do the boosters expect to this team to win a championship with that schedule? Ever notice how every player on a national championship team has majored in football and minored in speech communication (probably used to speak to the press better)? I'm not saying that stadegy helps, but it doesn't hurt either.
What's Claim to Lame
Pilot Sunglasses: Every so often, a fashionable accessory is worn by a person in an effort to say that he or she is a condescending prick. Pilot sunglasses fill that void nicely. Not only are these sunglass worn by dicks, but they are permeantly attached to their face, even indoors. Nice job, asshole, ruin your eyesight, at least you'll look cool. It's been almost twenty years since that nuclear turd of a movie "Top Gun" was released, and the shades remain unpopular. Only pilots should be allowed to where those sunglasses, and I don't see you in a uniform, douche bag.
Social Justice: It's not that I care about people experiencing social injustice because I do. But what I didn't know is that the United States government was to blame for every atrocity in the history of the world. The Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict all spread blood across the hands of the United States. I blame my school for ruining the concept of social justice. The course taught me nothing, but to hate America and commit suicide as quickly as possible. Rather than look deeper into the causes of social justice or to examine ways to prevent it, we just observed ways the United States has prepetuated issues of social justice. Thank You, Mr. teacher who shall remain nameless.
Green Day: I recently came to the revelation that the band Green Day is not actually punk. No, in fact, Green Day is stupid. When I listen to music, I expect it to rock. But no, Green Day would rather prattle on about how they hate the war and President Bush. My favorite is their recent hit "American Idiot". In this particular song, they whine that the media manipulates the masses. Gee wiz, I didn't know Green Day was playing in another form of media and that they weren't manipulating impressionably idiotic fans who take their every word as gospel. Now I understand perfectly.
Pilot Sunglasses: Every so often, a fashionable accessory is worn by a person in an effort to say that he or she is a condescending prick. Pilot sunglasses fill that void nicely. Not only are these sunglass worn by dicks, but they are permeantly attached to their face, even indoors. Nice job, asshole, ruin your eyesight, at least you'll look cool. It's been almost twenty years since that nuclear turd of a movie "Top Gun" was released, and the shades remain unpopular. Only pilots should be allowed to where those sunglasses, and I don't see you in a uniform, douche bag.
Social Justice: It's not that I care about people experiencing social injustice because I do. But what I didn't know is that the United States government was to blame for every atrocity in the history of the world. The Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict all spread blood across the hands of the United States. I blame my school for ruining the concept of social justice. The course taught me nothing, but to hate America and commit suicide as quickly as possible. Rather than look deeper into the causes of social justice or to examine ways to prevent it, we just observed ways the United States has prepetuated issues of social justice. Thank You, Mr. teacher who shall remain nameless.
Green Day: I recently came to the revelation that the band Green Day is not actually punk. No, in fact, Green Day is stupid. When I listen to music, I expect it to rock. But no, Green Day would rather prattle on about how they hate the war and President Bush. My favorite is their recent hit "American Idiot". In this particular song, they whine that the media manipulates the masses. Gee wiz, I didn't know Green Day was playing in another form of media and that they weren't manipulating impressionably idiotic fans who take their every word as gospel. Now I understand perfectly.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Catch All the Action in Major League Politics
Although many sports enthusists around the world will declare this fall the best time for sports this year with pennant races in Major League Baseball, the beginning of a new football season both in college and the NFL, and the return of the NHL to the ice (Okay, only I'm looking foward to that), none of these events will even light a candle to the action that will unfold this season in Major League Politics. But politics are not divided into seasons, the stupidity lasts all year round. I cannot wait for the constant battle between the repugnant Republicans and the dense Democrats to spread bullheaded banter across the land.
Since political affiliation has become so polarized in recent years, my readers will probably wonder which party I familiarize with. Please, allow me to ellaborate on this subject with a typical conflict between these two political parties by diving into the specifics. I will monitor the score as we go along. Let's begin:
1. Sports Comparision
What professional sports team do associate these two parties with? Sticking with baseball, I consider the Republicans to be...the New York Yankees, big blowhards how dominate the all discussion and arrogantly sit atop the plateau (I can hear Democrats screaming victory already). However, I associate the Democrats with...the New York Mets, inept losers who manage to lose no matter what the circumstance. Since both teams are from New York, they both blow. I award both teams zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: 0
Democrats: 0
2. Candidates
For this topic, I will examine the best possible candidates that both parties have to offer. Since both would want their best candidates act as commander in chief, let's look at the most recent presidential election between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. What can say about our current president that hasn't already been said? The economy hasn't gotten any better, only gas prices and the national deficit have increased, and our army is stuck in a pointless war because they are supposedly "getting the job done". What that job is, I have no idea, but all of Bush's detractors fail to explain why they criticize him. I stand here criticizing Bush because I believe that I could do a better job as president. Hell, a dog that eats its own poop could do a better job than our incumbent president. I subtract one point from the Republicans' score (and the Democrats go wild). Concerning John Kerry, I have four words, "Lambert Field" and "Manny Ortez". If this man is so incredibly out of touch with such a simple thing like sports, what chance does have to be in touch with something as complex as politics. However, his devotion to politics could be the reason why he has the same amount of sports knowledge as a 5-year-old. I award the Democrats zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: -1
Democrats: 0
3. Animals
My biggest beef with both of these parties is the animals they chose to represent them. Seriously, if you want an animal to represent your party, make it at least somewhat cool or tough. An elephant, c'mon. Choosing an animal that big is like driving a pimped-out Corolla. It compensates for a small penis. I subract six points for ever Republican who has an acorn in their pants. Choosing a donkey is like choosing a poodle over a golden retriever. Why don't you just upgrade to a horse. Donkeys are stupid and pointless. I subtract seven points.
Final Score:
Republicans: -7
Democrats: -7
I anticipate that hundreds of idealistic high schoolers out there will demand that I aline myself with their party based on issues. Well, that's why I chose not to associate myself with a political party. Unlike my Republican or Democratic friends who will support their party's candidate even if he or she is the next Hitler, I chose to vote based on issues. For example, (Disclaimer: any impressionable idiot who will cut off their reproductive organs for their political party are advised not to read the next sentence or else their heads might explode.) I am against abortion, but against the death penalty as well. Dear God, how can support two issues that cross party lines. I'll tell you how, because I'm 17-years-old and I can't vote, so I couldn't give a shit about politics. Please concern yourselves with other, more important things like homework and getting laid.
Since political affiliation has become so polarized in recent years, my readers will probably wonder which party I familiarize with. Please, allow me to ellaborate on this subject with a typical conflict between these two political parties by diving into the specifics. I will monitor the score as we go along. Let's begin:
1. Sports Comparision
What professional sports team do associate these two parties with? Sticking with baseball, I consider the Republicans to be...the New York Yankees, big blowhards how dominate the all discussion and arrogantly sit atop the plateau (I can hear Democrats screaming victory already). However, I associate the Democrats with...the New York Mets, inept losers who manage to lose no matter what the circumstance. Since both teams are from New York, they both blow. I award both teams zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: 0
Democrats: 0
2. Candidates
For this topic, I will examine the best possible candidates that both parties have to offer. Since both would want their best candidates act as commander in chief, let's look at the most recent presidential election between Republican George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry. What can say about our current president that hasn't already been said? The economy hasn't gotten any better, only gas prices and the national deficit have increased, and our army is stuck in a pointless war because they are supposedly "getting the job done". What that job is, I have no idea, but all of Bush's detractors fail to explain why they criticize him. I stand here criticizing Bush because I believe that I could do a better job as president. Hell, a dog that eats its own poop could do a better job than our incumbent president. I subtract one point from the Republicans' score (and the Democrats go wild). Concerning John Kerry, I have four words, "Lambert Field" and "Manny Ortez". If this man is so incredibly out of touch with such a simple thing like sports, what chance does have to be in touch with something as complex as politics. However, his devotion to politics could be the reason why he has the same amount of sports knowledge as a 5-year-old. I award the Democrats zero points.
Current Score:
Republicans: -1
Democrats: 0
3. Animals
My biggest beef with both of these parties is the animals they chose to represent them. Seriously, if you want an animal to represent your party, make it at least somewhat cool or tough. An elephant, c'mon. Choosing an animal that big is like driving a pimped-out Corolla. It compensates for a small penis. I subract six points for ever Republican who has an acorn in their pants. Choosing a donkey is like choosing a poodle over a golden retriever. Why don't you just upgrade to a horse. Donkeys are stupid and pointless. I subtract seven points.
Final Score:
Republicans: -7
Democrats: -7
I anticipate that hundreds of idealistic high schoolers out there will demand that I aline myself with their party based on issues. Well, that's why I chose not to associate myself with a political party. Unlike my Republican or Democratic friends who will support their party's candidate even if he or she is the next Hitler, I chose to vote based on issues. For example, (Disclaimer: any impressionable idiot who will cut off their reproductive organs for their political party are advised not to read the next sentence or else their heads might explode.) I am against abortion, but against the death penalty as well. Dear God, how can support two issues that cross party lines. I'll tell you how, because I'm 17-years-old and I can't vote, so I couldn't give a shit about politics. Please concern yourselves with other, more important things like homework and getting laid.
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