Missing Fame, Fortune, and an H: The Truth Behind that Typo in the High School Newspaper

Dear readers, prepare to have your minds blown. I have uncovered a disquieting truth that will surely shock, and eventually bore you, to death. This revelation will open up a subject that I have never discussed on this particular site (except for the title.) But first, we must take a trip back all the way to December, 2004.
In what seems like eons ago, I was but a humble high school student you used to write for the newspaper. Even though I tackled such serious issues as the hockey team's upcoming games and whether it was worth your while to see The Producers, I could squeeze in a laugh as well. I found the perfect opportunity when I chose to review an epic masterpiece, The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie. Obviously, the typical high school student is too mature to take the review of a children's movie seriously. Therefore, I found a gold mine of ironic laughs. Little did I know, that humorous irony would turn against me.
This particular review was due in just before Christmas vacation, a time when teachers typical overload their students with work just before break. Being the self-righteous person that I am, I lamented the fact that in the midst of all this work, I had to complete a newspaper article. However, being the incredibly tough hockey player that I am, I promptly finished all of my assignments. Unfortunately, these assignments did not afford me the time to proofread as I should have.
The paper was printed and distributed the day before Christmas vacation. I walked through the halls triumphantly, thinking of the great break that awaited me and the funny article that would no doubt get people's attention. And it did, but in the worst of ways.
People snickered and sneered as they congratulated me on another terrific review. Being the perceptive sleuth that I am, I ignored their snickering and dutifully smiled at their praise. It wasn't until someone in my Physics class noted the words "Chum Bucket", a prominent setting in the film, was missing an "h". Being the knowledgeable person that I am, I dismissed it as just another typo.
But this was not just another typo. In a shocking revelation, I found that removing the "h" in the word "chum" creates a euphemism for male reproductive fluid. How this term for sperm ever came into being still perplexes me, but any word referring to men's ejaculatory excrements in an all-boys school will - without a doubt - get the boys giggling.
Despite the torture I faced for the remainder the school year, I insisted that I was framed, set up, and even unknowing coerced into taking the blame for that egregious mistake. I returned home and immediately went to my computer. I opened the original document, eager to prove my innocence. But as luck would have it, the hard-drive crashed and all data was lost. How convenient...
But why would someone what to put such an egregious error in the newspaper under my name? Well, as most of you don't know, journalism is an incredibly competitive field, the reporters will do anything - and I mean anything - to get ahead. And a smudge on my record as big as a typo in my high school newspaper would prevent me from obtaining the most prosperous and attention-getting jobs in journalism today. And if I could not get those cushy jobs, the real person behind the purloined "h" would. I suppose my greatest folly was just being too darn good.
In the years follow the horrendous Christmas of 2004, everyone (including myself) has since forgotten the little error. But new evidence has surfaced that demonstrates my innocence.
I recently visited a website entitled "The Best Page in the Universe" on which the author, Maddox, satirizes everything under the sun. So it came as no surprise that he would poke fun at the alleged conspiracies surrounding the tragic events of 9/11 by conceiving his own conspiracy theory surrounding the sinking of the Titanic, and creating a hilarious faux documentary expounding his thoughts.
Now, I will admit that Maddox is one of my biggest inspirations, and you could construe my conspiracy as a blatant attempt of plagiarism. But if it weren't for Maddox's inspiration and my unoriginality, I would never find the truth surrounding this conspiracy. Coincidence?
Now, among the over 1800 comments on YouTube written for this mockumentary, one written by a "Headz402" caught my eye. He insisted that these tightly-wound teenagers should loosen-up, accept this conspiracy as silly, and stop acting like a bunch of...
He used that same exact euphemism. Is this magical combination of two words a well-known and commonly used phrase? If so, it would provide invaluable evidence to my assertion that someone - other than me - knowingly removed that "h". But how can I prove that this phrase was commonly used?
My fortune lost in that mysterious hard-drive crash returned me with my interest in screenwriting. An essential part to improving in script-writing is reading produced screenplays. So what else would I do than seek out the scripts for some of my favorite films. But as luck would have it, I stumbled upon the screenplay for the South Park movie, and a line uttered by Saddam Hussein caught my eye. Towards the climax, Saddam insists that his male lover, Satan, stop acting like a coward by calling him a...
Written before 1999, the utterance of these two infamous words proves that they could have been commonly used, even before the publishing of my article in 2004. But the fact that this phrase has been coined before does not prove that someone else tampered with my review. We need a smoking gun. To find it, let us dissect those two disgusting, deplorable words.
Well, in Latin, the word "cum" means "with." And in English, the word "bucket" means "bucket." With bucket? What could that mean? With buckets of laughs at my expense? Oh, I think so!
Therefore, Maddox's satirization of a ridiculous conspiracy theory, combined with the utterance of the phrase in one of comments of his video, in addition to the evidence that this phrase has been coined before in the South Park screenplay, with the knowledge that the two words connote that someone set me up, I can prove that the missing "h" in the words "chum bucket" in my review of The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie was intentionally removed to discredit me out of jealousy. And mistake on the level of a typo in a high school newspaper would deny me any further career opportunities, opening them up for the real perpetrator. I was just too darn good. And until there is indisputable evidence that someone didn't frame me, I convinced that someone did.
Although I essentially put forth incontrovertible facts that prove I did not cause that typo, I'm afraid that I will never ever be able to put my unpleasant past behind me. Even today when I catch SpongeBob SquarePants on television, I cannot bear the sight or mention of that prominent location, the Cum Bucket, and not think of the jealousy that prevailed and the money and fame that I lost...