Stuck in the Hot Hot Heat Vol. 2: Surviving Gay Day

The Irish have March 17th, trees have April 27th, and now gay people have June 26th. It may not be official, but to me, the last Monday of every June will forever be known as Gay Day. Now, as a teenage male, I usually get bombarded with homosexuality on a daily basis, but on this day, it seemed particularly unbearable. The progressive half of my mind took a beating for twelve hours. And if you don't believe the sudden barrage of gayness against heterosexuals, just look at the alleged cases of heterophobia in Provincetown, Massachusetts. The overwhelming gay population taunts the town's straight citizens as "breeders" and attacked the people who signed a petition in favor of banning gay marriage. Now, it's not as if I'm in favor of constitutionally prohibiting civil liberties, but publishing the names on a petition that you oppose is probably a little bit lower than where gay activists intend to aim.
Anyway, the assault began when I boarded the subway for Boston and picked up a copy of the world's biggest piece of gay propaganda in circulation: the Metro. This miniature version of the Boston Globe usually has some kind of gay news to report just to catch the reader's eye. I took the bait when I spotted an article about the gay pride parade that took place in San Francisco on the previous day. Like most news stories, I dismissed it and continued reading. However, when I reached the Arts section, things started to get a little weird, or in this case, queer. Half of the section (which usually occupies a quarter of the entire paper) was devoted to gay literature, including reviews and (brace yourselves) pictures. Now I typically don't judge a book by its cover, but some of these novels bordered on pornographic and just begged for an obscenity charge. Like the idiot that I am, I proceeded to read some of the reviews. Although only one book was pictured, its title and synopsis have since been seared into my brain forever. Surf 'N Turf was the name, and the plot went a little something like this:

The story is basically the movie Mean Girls transported to a beach-side community, where two rival gay factions, the "queenies" and the "meanies", do battle.

Yes, I too fell out of my chair doubled over in laughter when I read that, even on the disgusting, subway car floor.
When I got off the train, the first vehicle that passed on the street was from the Duck Tours, which are a common site on Boston streets. I have no idea how to classify their amphibious vehicles, so I just call them "automo-boats". Again, seeing these automo-boats is an ordinary occurence, but this particular one had a great big rainbow pattern on its side. Now, my mind doesn't usually rush to certain conclusions, but today just had to be special.
At this point, you may be asking why this gayness has surrounded on me on this particular day. You may also be asking why I was on the subway. I'll respond to both of those questions with a single answer: I went into town for a book signing of The Alphabet of Manliness, authored by none other than the great Maddox. For those of you who do not know Maddox, do us all a favor and punch yourself in the nuts (or ovaries as the case may be). He is an incredibly talented (and vulgar) satirical writer, the creator of The Best Page in the Universe, and one of my biggest influences. Internet goers have visited his site over 150 million times. The Alphabet of Manliness is his first venture into the publishing world, and it is so manly, even the sentences don't have periods. Because of the overwhelming masculinity that surrounds this book, the gay powers that be needed to compensate, lest I become too manly. However, a closer examination of the book's cover may suggest a different interpretation of manliness, maybe one closer to the themes I had seen all day, but that's for you to decide.
Since Maddox is such a huge celebrity (very famous), a large crowd gathered to meet the legend at his book signing. This resulted in a large line that twisted and turned its way throughout the Borders Book Store. Unfortunately, the line, coincidentally enough, found itself in the gay and lesbian literature section, where none other than Surf 'N Turf was waiting to be purchased. However, my favorite title was the Lesbian Vampire Chronicles which, interestingly enough, was classified as African-American literature.
Now, having a book signed by their idol is satifactory for most people. I, however, took the opportunity to display my comedic prowess to one of the funniest men alive. On his site, Maddox stated that he would be doing a free breast signing at the Borders Book Store in Boston, and anyone without breasts should bring a copy and a signed apology for not having tits. I took things a step further. Rather than an apology, I spent several hours on a rendering of myself with boobs for Maddox to sign. It looked a little something like this:

I am now acquinted with two celebrities, Maddox, and actor Bob Saenz, who is currently helping me develop my screenwriting ability via message board.
Afterwards, I ate a big ol' burger at Burger King and returned home with my heterosexuality in tact. I proved it to myself by getting roaring chubby after watching a straight porn between a man and a woman, the way God intended porn to be viewed.

*Note: I do not actually watch pornography. It is a dangerously addictive activity and can potentially lead to ED, so don't do it. Your dick will thank me.