Intelligent Design kicks ass!

Okay, the theory of evolution is probably the most reputable explanation for the current state of mankind. Wait, what am I saying “probably”? However, some people out there still believe that humans just plopped down onto Earth by the will of some superior intelligent being. Why would people believe such an ignorant, unfounded, and overall ridiculous theory, you ask? Simple, because it kicks ass.
After a long period of consideration, I have created a master thesis: intelligent design officially rocks the socks off of evolution. Unfortunately, evolution is simply too scientific and definite. Unlike intelligent design, it doesn’t allow your imagination to run wild. Just imagine how awesome it would be have some superior being launching fire and brimstone from the skies just to create various species. I can picture it right now, God chilling at the end of the universe and making dinosaurs appear at the snap of all twelve of his fingers. Then, he sends a figurative middle finger to those stupid lizards in the form of an asteroid. Oh man, I bet your ass is hurting right now from being kicked so hard.
Plus, the first few chapters of the Book of Genesis gives people another opportunity of blame themselves for something, which seems to be the hot trend today. You find it all over the news: “Oh, it’s our fault global warming exists, it’s our fault terrorism still exists.” Even the theory of the giant spaghetti monster has enough power to rock crotches across America.
Now, let’s examine the theory of evolution for a moment. I won’t write out the exact definition because I’ll probably fall asleep half way through. So I’ll just draw a diagram to illustrate my point:

*YAWN* Let’s face it, evolution is b-o-r-i-n-g dull. No wonder state legislatures are permitting the teaching intelligent design in public schools. School is boring enough as it is. Hell, church is boring enough, so you can’t blame religious leaders for attempting to inject some excitement into it. So, if anything, we can all agree that although people who believe in intelligent design may be stupid, they, at the very least, keep things interesting. Give them credit for that.

I am Overly-Amazing and Underly-Appreciated

And don't even question the grammatical correctness of my title. Its honesty far surpasses anything English class could ever teach you. However, even a truthful title needs a little explanation. I make such an outrageous assertion because my awesomeness is greatly unrecognized. Granted, that awesomeness serves no actual purpose. I haven't cured cancer or won the Nobel Peace Prize...yet. My greatness lies only from my incredible and unsee trend-setting power.
Few know how amazingly I set trends. What Bill Gates has done for computers, I have done for trends. Of course, all of you with your simple, conformist and, let's face it, vastly inferior minds will say, "But Greg, I blindly follow every trend I see other teenagers doing. If you set a trend, I would know about it." a) You have some nerve coming off to me that way and b) of course you don't see my awesome power. If you did, I wouldn't be bringing it to your attention. But without much further ado, allow me to enlighten you on the great number of trends I have set.
I'd say the earliest trend that I've set began back in 2001, that magical year when I first became a Brewers fan. After five years of facing one-word questions beginning with "why", weird looks, and snide remarks, people seemed to finally accept the fact that I like a team for no reason. However, I didn't expect people to completely turn the corner. Literally, they always turn the corner asking me "how da Brewahs doin'?". I didn't think I could find a question more annoying than "why do you like the Brewers?" I was wrong.
None of the other trends I've set piss me off quite like this one. The Brewers are my cross to bear. I claimed them. I found them first. Finders keepers, losers weepers. Now enjoy the Red Sox success while you can. Don't waste your time following the Brewers. That's my job.
I gave birth to another trend in September of 2004. Now, if you're guessing that I'm going to talk about free-writes, congratulations, you are wrong. I didn't start free-writing's popularity, but I did outside of school. Technically, I wasn't the first to post stupid crap on a website (I refuse to call it a "blog" on the basis that the word sucks), but nobody cares about Gori. If it wasn't for this website, free-writes would just be a pleasant memory of junior year. If it wasn't for this website, you would see Alex start two different blogs or see Ashish start one of his own about berating Republicans (it didn't last, thank God). But to be fair, Alex's site has gotten quite the readership in its short existence. But he'll never match my twelve, count 'em, twelve consistant readers.
And finally, if it wasn't for my website, no one would be musing about Quiznos. Sure, my friend Ashish may have loved the sub shop before I posted my article, but I don't remember him mentioning it EVERY SINGLE DAY before I posted it. In fact, because he clamors about going there everyday, so does Alex. And because Alex clamors about going there everyday, so does Sanchez. And because Sanchez clamors about going there everyday, so does the rest of my chemistry class. And because the rest of my chem class clamors about going there everyday, I want to put a bullet in my skull. Now whenever you just mention the word "Quiznos", my whole chemistry class orgasms in delight. Hell, even following the question "do we have a quiz?" with the word "no" could make my chem class aroused.
Now, I didn't intend for this post to be one big nag. Just remember, while you're checking the Brewers' score while updating your blog on how awesome Quiznos subs are, that Greg started it all. But I know you won't. So...I'll just...cry myself to sleep. Oh boo hoo hoo hoo hooooooo.