College Football's Greatest

I reserved this post just for today. Next to baseball, hockey, and just about every other sport, college football is the greatest sporting event that man has created. Now the Rose Bowl and the National Championship Game may be on tonight, but that's not important. I've devoted this post to debate the greatest college quarterback to ever play the game, and to say that there is no debate. Without a doubt, Paul Peterson is the greatest quarterback...ever.

Paul "Pistol" Peterson: The Greatest

His career might have started late, but that's only because he was fulfilling his Mormon duty TO COMPLETE MISSIONARY WORK IN NICARAGUA! Have you spent two years in Nicaragua? I think not. His Jesus points automatically increase by 100 points. Now, because most college admission officiers are dicks and they won't accept students who can't get a real education because they're too busy saving the world, Paul went to attend Snow Junior College in Utah. There, he just chose to play football, became the starting QB, and THREW 55 FREAKIN' TOUCHDOWNS IN ONE SEASON. That would break David Klinger's Division 1-A record of 54 touchdowns, but Paul felt just too good for Division 1-A. Awesomeness points: up 50. But one day, he thought to himself, "I'd love to pursue a Finance major a Catholic university, even though I'm Mormon". He could have chosen to attend Notre Dame, but decided that they sucked no matter who they're coached by. So he turned to Boston College. Awesomeness points up another 25.
Now, Peterson is the quarterback to ever play the game, but those talents are hidden behind his outward appearence. Maybe people couldn't his skills as a QB because HE'S 6'0" AND 190 POUNDS! Greatest at the position despite his small size: 200 awesomeness points. Still, he became the backup to that chump Quinton Porter at the start of the 2003 season. But while Porter blew, Paul threw for TDs. Eventually that chump got injured in a near blowout against West Virginia. Peterson orchestrated a great comeback, but he let West Virginia have that one, since the Mountaineers are pretty cool (25 extra coolness points) . In the final regular season game in Blacksburg, #13 ranked Virginia Tech scored a late touchdown to tie the game at 27-27. With only two minutes left in a tie game with hostel crowd and seventy yards to go, Paul was all like, "Please, don't make me laugh". After faking the handoff, Peterson hit receiver Larry Lester for 56 yards and a touchdown. BC: 34, VT: 27. Kickass points: up 80. In the San Franscisco Bowl on New Year's Eve, Peterson was wondering if they could increase the difficulty level because it was like a video game. They planted a home-cooked beatdown on Colorado State, 35-21. He was so great, we can only assume that he ran into a burning building to save a family of ten later that night.
Thankfully, coach Tom O'Brien came to his senses and redshirted that chump Porter and started Peterson for his senoir season. His fellow players nicknamed him "Pistol" (get it, Paul "Pistol" Peterson), but it certainly doesn't imply what that man carries...yes, he does have a cannon for an arm. Anyway, he kicked some ass for the first three games of the 2004 season, until he let Wake Forest win one because it's such an pimpin' school. Heck, he even threw two picks in the first half in a game against Notre Dame just to keep it close. But to come out on top, he threw two clutch touchdowns in the second half to score a comeback victory against their rivals, 24-23 (Awesomeness points up 800). He ultimately worn himself out so much during the season that he broke his hand in a game against Temple. Did he cash in his chips like so many other pussies out there? HELL NO, HE PLAYED A BOWL GAME AND THREW FOR TWO TOUCHDOWNS WITH A BROKEN HAND! He even broke his leg later in that game, but I'm sure he could've kept playing, I guarantee it. BC came out victorious in the Continental Tire Bowl against UNC, 37-24. He could have won the Heisman that season, but even that award wouldn't do him justice.
I, much like everyone else, wept like an infant after Peterson's college career was over. But just when we all thought that he would fall back on that finance major of his, he signed with the Ottawa Renegades of the CFL, playing behind former Heisman runner-up Brad Banks. His football playing days may not be over, but he'll have to win about eight MVPs and twelve Super Bowls just to outdo what he's done during his college career.
So let's review:

• Missionary work in Nicaragua,
• Had record-setting season in junior college with 55 TD passes,
• Decided to attend Boston College,
• Orchestrated a huge upset against Virginia Tech,
• Won first bowl game as a junior in San Franscisco Bowl,
• Led team in a comeback victory over hated rivals Notre Dame,
• Played with a broken hand and broken leg,
• Won second bowl game in Continental Tire Bowl,
• Playing in the CFL...

I may be excommunicated for heresy, but I move to rename God "Paul Peterson".