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I'm hoping to create my "what's claim to fame/what's claim to lame" list at least once a month. If I do it more than once a month, that means I'm out of ideas. Hey, can you think of anything better to do:
What's Claim to Fame
Cake: Delicious, covered in frosting, easy to listen to, need I say more. Cake is possibly the most rockin'est band outside of Chilli Peppers and Weezer, maybe even the most rockin'est thing outside of Nas. Anyone who disagrees with me or hates ska bands for that matter can suck my fat, hairy balls. Put people who have never heard Cake on the list of people to which I owe a punch in the teeth.
Joe Crede: Currently playing third base for the Chicago White Sox, this guy rocks hardcore, and probably had the best season of anyone in 2005. Earlier this season, he dropped a routine foul pop in the top of the ninth that enabled Manny Ramirez to hit perhaps the sexiest game winning homer I've ever seen. Then he went on the win the ALCS MVP, and all with the same cool, pimp-like style. Man, I wish I could play like that.
Jon's Legos: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't ask me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
What's Claim to Lame
Syracuse Football: I hate ABC Channel 5's contractual obligation to showing Big East games on Saturday. Not because they have to show shitty Big East teams, but because they have to show Syracuse, the worst team in all of college football without question. Watching them against Cincinnati was like having my dick stepped on. I swear my high school's football team could beat them. Hell, they could beat them blindfolded. You suck hardcore, Syracuse.
Madonna: Anyone still listening to Madonna should be thrown in to a pile of poop for relief from such crappy music. I don't know how old Madonna is, but she's too old to still be making my ears bleed. She should be doing more important things, like raising her daughter to be as vapid and self-serving as she is. And she should dump that whole psudo-jewish crap. No wonder there's still anti-semitism in the world when selfish whores like Madonna drag it through the mud.
Jon's Spare Time: This is what my brother does in his spare time. Don't aks me why: http://photobucket.com/albums/y258/hohumboring/
No, I'm not gay, so please grow up for about a minute and a half. However, I use that expression to describe what is probably the gayest thing I do on a regular basis.
When I mean gay, I don't use it literally, of course. But every Saturday night at 11:00, I tune into Cartoon Network to watch this latest (I hesitate to say "popular") Japanimation creation known as "Inuyasha". I'd like to think that I'm about 10% nerd, so why not watch a show that fills 120 to 130% of my geeky qualities. I can't explain the plot since I don't quite know what it is yet, but it involves some dude with cat ears and overwhelmingly gorgeous hair, a girl who never changes out of her jumper, a stupid cry-baby pussy who whines like he's always talking out his LiveJournal, and one extrordinarily hot woman who serves no other purpose other than to arouse my interest, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). She drags around a giant boomerang as big as the [never mind] I get [going to change the angle of this joke]. There's also a little cutie pie character that's about two inches tall and, surprisingly, doesn't get squished every episode. I'm still searching for his or her gender and purpose as well. But surely, the possibilities are endless with a group like this!
"Inuyasha" follows all the standard Japanimation cliches (which I aquired a great knowledge of from watching multiple episodes of Pokemon) by assuming its audience is composed entirely of lobodomy patients. Characters reiterate and overstate the obvious and repeat the name of the person they are addressing to ensure that even the two-month-olds are up to speed. Since it's Japanese and it's considered to be for "adults", there is a ton of meaningless violence. This enables the characters to yell out their every attack, or else they won't work, I suppose. Don't believe me? Just the other day I was trying to grab a cookie out of the cafeteria, but I couldn't nab it unless I yelled out "super awesome cookie grab". True story.
I hope I don't sound like I'm endorsing this show because I wouldn't suggest watching it. "Inuyasha" is what I refer to as "train wreck television" in which it is so disgustingly horrible that you mustn't look but can't turn away. Jerry Springer and every other daily talk show host has perfected this, and it appears that the rest of television is following suit. My suggestion, keep it on ESPN, or gouge your eyes out. Either one.
Every so often, a song graces our ears that puts even musical genius to shame. A song that is so versitile, it can be used in times of both celebration and sorrow. Unfortunately, most people choose the latter, but that still does not detract from its greatness. Of course, I speak of Jeff Buckley's incomparable classic entitled "Hallelujah".
Okay, so technically the song does not belong to Jeff Buckley. It was written by Leonard Cohen, who I imagine smoked his share of hemp considering the song's lyrics are practically unintelligible. But that's beyond the point. The song's seven minutes of auditory glory have been featured in the following movies and television shows:
- Shrek
- Lord of War
- Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
- Without a Trace
- Vanilla Sky
- Sleepover (1995)
- When Night is Falling
- The Dead Zone
- The West Wing
Need I say more. But, it can't all be good. That soulless, vapid excuse for entertainment called "The O.C." tried to capitalize on the song's greatness, but the few of us with superior intellects saw through the producers' evil attempts like the pyramids au Louvre. "The O.C." may have tried to drag it down, but "Hallelujah" stood strong.
I alluded to the song's versitility in film and T.V. earlier, but its usefulness doesn't stop there. The guitar tabs for the song are easy to attain and easy to play, so next time your on the beach or at a camp fire with your acoustic guitar, put out "Hallelujah" and you'll be showing chicks your Oh! face in no time. Ohhh! Ohhh! You guys know what I'm talkin' about.
But remember when you're nailing chicks, the song is even more advantageous. After all:
Maybe there is a god above,
But all I've ever learned from love,
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya...
But it's not cry that you hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...
Forget it. I can't sing the rest of the song. I wouldn't be doing it justice. Just buy it, download it, steal it from some old person, whatever. You simply owe it to yourself.
